Sorry, this gets a little dark...

I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things about myself. I have a lot of bad habits, none of them too big by themselves, but they add up pretty quickly. I guess we all have bad habits of some sort… we just don’t always notice them.

My biggest problem, that most of my bad habits come from, is my lack of self-confidence. I can see it in almost everything I do, every day. There are very few things that it doesn’t affect, my technical capabilities is one of them. I have to be good at what I do or I would not have come this far, and I am not afraid to admit my own weaknesses in the field, because the best thing that can come from admitting them, is learning, and then gaining a strength.

I need to figure out a way to do this in the other aspects of my life; my relationships with people, friends, family and lovers. I guess I just don’t know where to begin. Right now, I’m pretty angry, at a few people, but the worst anger right now I saved for myself. I’m angry because I didn’t really stand up in a situation where I probably should have. I don’t really want to go into specifics because I try to make it a point to not go to bed angry. The majority of the issue right now can be traced back to the fact that I don’t have very much self confidence and I feel like I have been stripped of who I am.

I have said this to a few people, and now I will put it out there on the web: I feel impotent.

I feel like I have no balls, no manhood, nothing.

Part of the reason for that is simple. I have no method of transportation other than Centro bus, and my own 2 feet… and the occasional friend who drops me off from work, and whom I go out with. But I have to ask for favors constantly… and yeah, I’m proud enough where that hurts… a lot.

The other reasons why I feel so impotent, is that I feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. A few years ago, I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted, and I really didn’t have too many people to answer to. NOW, I can’t do anything… because I can’t really go out, I can barely survive with all the bills I have, how I manage that still amazes even me, and all I can think of is getting out of my living situation.

I’d love to hit the lotto, keep my job, go back to school, and just be fucking happy, or at least happier… money can’t buy happiness, I know… but goddamnit it can make it a lot fucking easier to get there. Maybe I can get some professional help again… I really did like that, and maybe some meds if necessary… everyone seems to dream big when they hit the lotto… I don’t. I just dream of having no bills, living in a nice little house, having some companionship, and going to work during the week… but not having to worry about bills. That’s it. No “life stressors” none… the only stress I would have would be basically self-induced or something that I caused or someone else caused that directly affects me….

That would make me happy… but ya know what, I’ve learned to see the reality, and as sad as it sounds, I know if I hit the lottery for some stupid amount of money, that like the day I got the money (yeah I’d take it out all at once), I would get hit by a car and killed… because that seems to be my life… or better yet, the person I love gets run over by a bus or something stupid and horribly depressing to even imagine…. Because that’s what it seems like lately

Wow, that took a turn for the dark… sorry… I guess that’s what I get for writing when I am angry, depressed, lonely, and bored…

Anyway, back to my lack of self confidence… yeah, don’t really know where to start. I think I need to find an area in my life that I can just start standing up more. Problem. I know there is probably one or more people I will hurt by doing this, and I’m too fucking nice to do it…

Any help would be appreciated, but not expected because I am keeping things far too vauge.

Thanks for listening to me whine…

I think I need a fucking hug right now… not a beer (as much as I love beer).

Matt-

Still here... alive and kickin....

So, I was supposed to be in NYC today... but Gary (the person whom is picking Eric and I up) had an issue with his employer, and couldn't get the time off.... so we now wait till Saturday.... at least all my shit is packed and ready to go.... has been since Tuesday/Wednesday, now will be till Saturday....

I was really hoping things would start working better for Gary. He's had a lot of shit to go through as of late, His mom went into the hospital in like February/March, his brother boned him on something related to a house, his dad got diagnosed with some weird blood disease... but Gary is a lot like I am, just take what you can take, and do stuff as best you can, and it will work out in the end because that's what you told it to do.

I think Eric blames me for freakin out a few times... like how G went missing for a few months... (he was in the hospital). And how we hadn't heard from him in a while.... his dad got diagnosed with the whole blood thing ( it was like a month ago)

I worry about shit.... sorry, Its my fuckin job lately. I left Radioshack to go to NYC. I have no income right now, and my hands are tied. I would like to be in some form of communication with people so I know what the fuck is going on.... WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM ACCEPTING THIS? Why do I get the "stop freakin out" look? I swear, the man is lucky i don't snap while he sleeps.... or G may only be picking one person up.

let me throw somethin out at ya:

When someone you need to be able to contact, is unreachable, and doesn't respond to any form of communication, what do you do? worry.... then what? freak out a bit...then what? freak out more.... and that's about as far as it goes.

Yes I was worried about G and I was also kinda pissed because he didn't call or anything for at least a couple weeks. NOW, I am a pretty understanding person, and when E told me the news about G's Dad, then I was like, Oh, OK, but I still wish he could have called at some point.

Call, Text,email, BBM (blackberry stuff), PIN (blackberry stuff)

there are a lot of ways....

or you can call my house, and leave a message for both E and me to here.

It could have been simple, but I know he is also a pretty busy person. There is no reason to blow up at me for being more than slightly concerned.

ANYWAY... so I'm chillin for another couple of days, I really just want to go now.... get this tension and shit out of the air so we can all move on with our lives... I know raven wants to have me stay (or go with), but honestly, it just makes things that much harder later on. I know that, I'm pretty sure she knows that, but I also know its hard to resist.

This place is gonna be lonely, and I really hope she has people over, gets together with friends... etc. because she is much more of a social person than I am. I'm human, but the fact is, I don't need as much person-to-person contact as I think she does. I have also done this whole long-distance thing quite a few times, and sadly, I'm actually used to it.

::thinking:: Maybe this is some kind of defense mechanism or something. I do better with long-distance than face to face... who knows... but it is an interesting observation.

well, that's it for now... hopefully by Saturday (the 4th) I'll be in NYC, and I'll post from there. I do love the fireworks, dunno if I'll be able to see them... but good stuff nonetheless.

Emotions, Mental whatnot... and cigarettes!

Okay, right now I am sitting at IHOP, but I am writing this without a connection to the web… thanks to basic typing programs.

So in less than a week, I leave for NYC, I am excited, worried, depressed, and happy all at once. It’s a really weird feeling that most of us call nervous. Nervous is something different in my head.

Nervous implies some kind of mental unrest, as in I have some kind of mental block against going or maybe I don’t know how anything is going to work out and I am going down there on a dime and a shoe string… I’ve played that game once, and honestly, I fought the good fight, and I came back to Syracuse because I ran out of money.

I love it in NYC, it’s a great city. There are plenty of good opportunities, there is a lot going on- pretty much any time you want. I have a few friends that still live there, that I have been trying to visit for the past 7 years, but never got to it… now I have the chance and plenty of time to chill.

The semi-shitty thing about this “move” is that I am going to be away from my G/F (that’s girlfriend for the non-savvy). Now… I have done this before, long-distance relationships are pretty hard, in-fact her and I have done this before, so I know exactly what I am getting into, so therefore I expect her to as well… but for some reason I really don’t see much difference between before when we did this and now, but on the other hand, I am not her.

I say semi-shitty because I don’t look at being away from someone you love as horrible, granted, it’s not great, but it’s not the worst thing you could do either. I trust her, so that’s not a problem. I’m pretty sure she trusts me, so I don’t think that’s the problem either. Either way, she is not very happy with my choice, or I know that she doesn’t like the idea because she really didn’t have much play in the situation, but she also knows that the financial bullshit is just adding up too fast for me or her to pull us out of it.

I guess I feel really guilty putting her through this again, but I honestly don’t feel that it is as big of a problem as she does. I sound like an asshole when I put that on paper… wow. I’m not heartless; I think I just deal with the situation differently.

It’s like when my grandfather passed away last year: I was calm and collected, until my cousin Josh read the eulogy, but I held it together fairly well, yeah, I sobbed quietly, and yeah, it was obvious, but I wasn’t a ball of tears in the middle of the ceremony. The only other time that I lost it was when his coffin was lowered into the ground. I had to walk away from the whole funeral party and stare out onto the lake and cry by myself. During that whole month after, I just wanted to push people away, and after a while, I healed, and everything was back to normal. I don’t deal with things the way people expect. I never have, even when I was a small child.

Long-distance relationships are about the same, yeah, I miss the person, but I don’t pine for them, my chest doesn’t hurt with loneliness, I’m just happy to see them when I can, and I try to make the best out of every moment we have together. Saying goodbye sucks a bit, but that’s how life and love are. You just gotta take the good times with the bad.

I will see her every other week; we have to be back up here in Syracuse so Eric can see his child. It’s on average better than what she and I had before. When she lived in CT, and I was here 2 summers back, I saw here anywhere between every 2 to 3 weeks. Unless something goes horribly wrong… this should be it, not too bad if you ask me. This is really the only thing that is even somewhat stressing me out right now. I know where we (Eric and I) will be, the apartment is in a nice area, 105^th and Riverside Drive. I’m not going to give my exact address, but it’s close to there. For a little while I will be sleeping on an air mattress, but I will get a futon within a few weeks, maybe a desk or something, who knows. Little things like that don’t bother me that much, I know exactly what to expect when I get there, I used to live there… no big deal. The first couple months are set for rent and shit. And for a little while, all I gotta worry about is getting a little bit of food in me, havin’ smokes (which I have a solution for… more on this shortly), and some cash in my pocket (not a lot, because I will be sending most back up here).

Okay, so as everyone knows that actually reads this blog… (the few, the proud, my readers!) I smoke, and I have for years… I’m 27 now, I started smoking when I was 16… 11 years now… wow, anyway—I found a really cool “alternative”, actually Raven (my G/F) found it. I had only really briefly heard about the concept, and I tried something like it a while ago… the electronic cigarette. Anyway, what I tried, was not quite electronic, it was just… different, and I think somehow “better” for you, they don’t sell them anymore I don’t think, but basically they just had a heating element in them, and only ashed ¼ of an inch off the end of the cigarette, I don’t remember what they were called, but they tasted really funny… anyway, what Raven found is indeed a true electronic cigarette. I am stating now that this is in no manner a commercial; you can go to their site yourself. The company is called “Blu” (www.blucigs.com), I looked a little into it, and it seems that it is a pretty dirt cheap alternative that also seems that it is better for you as well. There is a chance of nicotine poisoning, but that is because people don’t know when to stop smoking the thing… it blinks 10 times or something like that to let you know you are over using it. For the rate that I smoke (which is about 1/3 of a pack per day) this works out really well, I will probably get a month out of a “carton”, maybe less, because I can “smoke” more, and who knows if I will or not. There are other companies out there, like smokeeverywhere (or something along those lines) but I like the blu company better because they don’t really make any solid CLAIMS about health benefits or other shit, and they have their “pack” that charges the batteries… the reason I bother to mention this, is that I know that I have a few random readers from time to time, and I really would like to know a little more about this before I spend 60 bucks on the starter kit, and I also want to tell the few random readers that there is something else other than “traditional” cigarettes, and hell, if it saves ya a couple bucks… good for you, and who knows, this indeed could be healthier. SO… random and non-random readers… PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT if you have tried this product or not, or send me an email or something… I really do want to know, good things and bad things.

I probably will be spending the money anyway, primarily because cigs in NYC are like 9-10 bucks a pack, and frankly even though my job will be paying me more, I don’t want to be spending the difference on smokes! You will have a little bit of time to respond, because I will be taking a few packs with me, and probably will be ordering them within the first few weeks, so please, if you have some experience with BLU, let me know ASAP.

Okay… so I know that was lengthy, but I am honestly all for making it cheaper for me and potentially healthier (at least a little). **RAPID SUBJECT CHANGE**

So I really can’t explain my emotions right now, I’m giddy about going back to some old stomping grounds, but I feel like I’m being a prick to not only my G/F but some family members, I’ll be back every other weekend, so it’s not too bad… and time away from Syracuse is never a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but sometimes old memories really need to stay OLD memories… nothing bad, I just don’t like constantly re-living the past. I come to IHOP because it’s a long standing tradition, but sometimes I just get caught up in things, and how they used to be…

I also think some time separated from almost everyone won’t be a bad thing. Being alone, helps me get collected, mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically.

Well, I think that’s gonna be it from me for now. I’ll post this at my earliest convenience.

See ya later!

There and Back again....

Yes, that was a blatant reference from LOTR... moving along.

Yeah, so here we go. I have an opportunity that I am really not totally sure about, but I am going to make the best of it.

I am basically going to be going on a "contract-to-hire" basis, working with Eric (my roommate) and Gary (another good guy that lived with me for a bit, and has known Eric for a while). I will be a glorified secretary... and by glorified, I mean, not only taking calls, making appointments, and responding to/with emails... but I will also be updating a few websites, and doing PDA/Blackberry support and a little implementation here and there. The two of them, plus this other person (of whom I do not know at this moment), are going to be leasing apartments (with a leasing company), and my job will be basically be on their back-end, supporting their needs, which honestly, I am totally okay with. I get paid $10/hour, and I get commission from what they get leased (which is loosely based on the website adds I update/post), my commission is a sliding scale that actually makes sense, and I get to telecommute most days... which means I chill behind my desk, at home, in my boxer shorts, and do my job. Every now and then they may need me to come out and show an apartment for them (which i will probably be entitled to a little more if it gets leased). Now, all this sounds cool right? It gets slightly better... I am going to be able to see what EVERYONE makes because I will be the one in charge of the "books". Cooler right?

And now... for the explanation of the title....

This job is in NYC. 

This is not a bad thing, it does bring back a few bad memories... but those are all because of me... gotta do what ya gotta do right?

I am obligated to be there at least 3 months... which works out okay, because if i need to cut-bait and get the hell out, I can do so before things get too horrible. There are some immediate draw backs... like the fact that my G/F will have to stay here for a bit, mainly because of the fact that I will have to have a small apartment, the other fact, is that she is anchored (loosely) by her job. The upside to that is I will be home at a minimum of every other weekend... doable.

She is worried about a lot of things, which I can understand completely. However she has not seen what I went through to get as far as I have thus far.... I know when to leave if I have to.

There are some fears I have too... one of which is, am I going to be able to make enough money to support the things I need to. The numbers line up fairly well, I am going to be staying pretty busy, but if something goes wrong, I do have a back up, which is basically, BAIL, but If shit happens too fast, will I have enough time? will I be able to get out when I need to? I am secure with Radioshack... but if I get myself into enough trouble, I may not be able to pull back out.... I got a lot of bills right now, and the reason I am going down there to make enough money to pay the bills off up here, and not to acquire enough down there to put me back in the same place.

In all theory, I should be good, the only real bills that will start down there for me is rent, power, food and metro card. rent is split 3 ways, power is split 3 ways, food is my own and metro card is my own... provided we get a cheap place (which is being worked on every day until we are ready to leave) we should be generally good to go... I am only going to bring my laptop, at least at first.

I dunno, not planning on any commission checks, things are tight, but still less tight than me being up here... there are just too many variables right now to figure out though... I don't know the costs of things.

I miss the city, but I made myself a promise... that I am breaking... that I would not go back down to NYC unless I had a solid means to support myself (like $50,000 a year). In all technicality, this job has the potential, not to mention I could just run across something really sweet whilst I'm there... the networking capabilities down there are limitless.

I guess that's it for now... I'll keep ya posted.

as of right now, my last day in the 'Cuse (Syracuse that is!) is June 15th... a week before my B'day.

Updates later.... depressed now...

So yeah, today was going well until Eric got a phone call from his mom telling him that one of his friend's sister died a few days ago and calling hours were tonight. She wasn't close to me (a bit older) but his friend was pretty close to him in HS, and I had talked to him from time to time on the bus. Anyway, it depresses me that the only reason I wear a tie now a days is because either someone is getting married or someone has died.... or the off chance that I have a job interview.

So that's a great way to pretty much start a day....

but wait... there's more! and if you act now... I'll throw in the julianne fry maker for free...


So here I am @ home with my parents feeling kinda glum and all... and I get a phone call from a good friend of mine... I feel bad because I couldn't talk because I had some stuff that I really needed to take care of... but he reminded me that one thing I really wanted to do this summer was go up to the white mountains.... and being the first summer I was away from NH, I wanted to make that happen..... I couldn't... I feel like I let everyone down, I got the time off from one job, but I couldn't get it off from the other..... I got the 4th.... thats it.

I mean, I guess its a good thing, I really need the money to move into a new place (That will come in the next update). And there might be a little bit of awkwardness between Laura and I, but I don't really see that as a problem. But I really wanted to see some people.... like Steve and Tarayn, the remaining 1017 crew, My college friends... you get the idea... I could have done that in 2 days... and right now I don't have that chance. That really kinda gets to me. I hope that I get the chance to go soon.... I know I am missed, by at least a few people.

I love how such a small thing can turn a day inside out.... and how shit seems to love to roll downhill, and not stop at the bottom....

Oh yeah, one last thing... I need to see a dentist soon because I think I broke part of my wisdom teeth.... SUPER.

well... I think thats all I can handle writing right now...

I need to cry....

so yeah, as the title of this says, I need to cry, but the problem is, I can't seem to. Its not a problem with me being to "manly", I couldn't give a shit less about that. Its not about leaving my friends here, I will be in touch, one way or another... probably see them around the fourth of July (when mike, mar, and whomever else and I go up to the white mountains), I do intend on keeping that tradition... I love it up there and I love being with my friends.

It is a matter of how frustrated things are making me right now. There are too many variables, and I don't know how to fucking solve for X.... its not even a matter of actually getting there, I don't even know where to begin. I know I really need to make the decision, either stay here or go home, but there are complications:

- Am I going to be able to afford the move (depends on what I need to rent to get back home)?
- Once I get home... If I go home, where am I going to stay?... Right now, my mom told me I can move back in, but I have to find an apartment soon (I don't want to be a burden).
- I have a good friend that is starting a business, and wants me as an on-site technician... but that is pending on him getting a house to start this business in (and to live in), so I have to either stay @ Radioshack in SYR somewhere, or find a computer store or something to work at whist he takes care of business. (which I may stay at anyway just for the extra income).
- I would like to work @ SU (Syracuse University) and go to school at the same time.... it would be convenient... and I think I still get tuition for free (I'll have to check on that) because my stepfather Gary works there and has worked there for like almost 30 years now. If its not free... I still have to finish my school... without it, I'm just another loser, so I either go to SU or OCC.

- If I don't move back, I will have to find either another job to supplement or I may have to leave radioshack altogether, I don't really want to leave, so I may find something in the mean time... if I am going to leave RS, it would have to be a VERY nice job, that would justify it to me, and to Steve.
- Thinking of Steve, he offered me a place to live (for cheaper than I am currently paying...) if I want out of my current situation, which honestly would probably be a good idea. I love these guys and all, but sometimes its a bit much to deal with, and I know that I am not the best to deal with sometimes either, probably around times like now because of how pissy I can be when I get frustrated.... I don't know.

:: smashes head into keyboard ::
I just wish this was a little easier.... less options, less shit going on... and more money :-P that would make it a little bit of an easier decision.

I have to do what makes me happy, but I know that initially, I will be happy to move back to SYR, but its the karma city, and I will want out again, I would be relatively happy to stay here, but there would have to be some change.... either way, I am going to have to start making a fair amount of money, not because it makes you happy, but because I have a lot of shit WAY overdue that I need to start paying on, and I need to stop dragging the house down. I would love to be able to work from home, and go to school, that would be awesome, and it would make things a lot easier... but I am not looking for a "get rich quick" scheme. I want to be technical support or something like that.

..... I'm gonna stop now.... I need to take a shower and have a butt... and get ready for work
I may edit this later, but I want to post it now.

Current Events & Happinings...

So yeah... tis time for another update to the world....

Okay, starting off with random cool stuff:

Went to an event called "Market Place at Birka" with 2 good friends... and I didn't feel like a 3rd wheel... its kinda like a renaissance fair, only its not a fair, its a marketplace, and its inside (lucky for me, I was wearing a Kilt!). Yes, I was wearing a kilt... and yes, it was in the "Traditional Fashion", and Yes, that fact was checked... by a few people... one of which by the name of Kieth... who is black as night, and as gay as a rainbow... he has very soft hands... ANYWAY... it was a blast, and NO, I'm not gay! :-) (though I bet Kieth wishes I was.... at least at times)

Things have been SLOWLY improving lately... as far at least with the monetary flow... still not as good as Christmas time... but yeah it never is in retail. Though still poor... due to the amount of heating oil this house consumes... at least my head is slightly above the water.

I also most recently found out that my paternal grandfather is out of the hospital... YAY! He went in a little before Christmas I guess.... for a few things, but hey, he's out now and home with my grandmother (thank goodness... she was probably a wreck). I just hope I can get home soon to see him...

Okay, well that's it for the good/cool stuff....

And now to play off to the digital doctor that seems to be this blog (*and I apologize to people that read this shit sometimes.... but hey, it gets all this crap off my chest*)...

So yeah, I am really up in the air on where I want to be after my lease is up in April...

HONESTLY I wouldn't mind staying here.... but I really want to be back in SYR (Syracuse, NY). I have friends both here and there, but there is really nothing holding me here anymore, I still have my job here (which no matter how much I get frustrated with it, I still like it), but that's about it. My family kinda needs me... or at least needs me close for a while. They didn't tell me this, I just can feel it. I haven't seen anyone in over a year and a half for more than a few hours when I went back to get my car inspected in Sept. . Barely any of my friends have bothered to call me.... even though my cell phone number has stayed the same for the past 2 and a half years. And I REALLY miss everyone.

I could stay here and possibly find either another job that's part time, or.... more sadly, leave Steve, RadioShack and 1017 behind and do something a little different possibly.... I don't know anymore... there is no simple answer, and there is no one that can make or even help make that decision....

If I move back to SYR, I have my parents and my friends, I have a place to live.... no job thus far, but I do have people looking for me....

If I stay here, I have my friends, I have a place to live, and a decent job....

:: long pause ::

I really don't want to leave here without my friends, but I have my old friends waiting... I have my family waiting... ::shrugs::


I just don't fucking know anymore...

News... not exactly good news, but news nonetheless

Yeah, so I just wanted to keep all of my intrigued readers (Yeah right!) up-to-date with more "unlucky events"....

1. Laura and I broke up... there really isn't much to explain, and what I could explain, I don't want to post here, its not appropriate nor does EVERYONE I know, need to know the details. (most probably wont care anyway)

2. Work sucks... the only benefit is that we just were able to hire another person on.... PT, but whatever, its another body on the floor... and she's pretty intelligent, which in electronics retail, is nice. HOWEVER, we are still going to be loosing a FT associate on Jan 14th for school... so we need more people.

3. Okay, so something good.... ::thinks really hard:: I still have friends and family (even though I really haven't seen them in over a year, not counting the one day that I registered my car).... ::Thinks so hard he has smoke coming from his ears:: Svetty has been running well... though I do say, I still haven't re-paid my mechanic yet, as things around here have only gotten more interesting..... yeah, now my head hurts.... I'm not going to think anymore


okay, so yeah... that's it for now... onward to some music or something

Maybe every now and then, a simple answer is needed.

Yeah, I'm a guy,
Yeah, I tend to say stupid shit every now and again,
Yeah, maybe some shit really did mess me up a while back....

But ya know what, maybe I need a simple-strait answer every now and then... I can't read minds, and I don't know what offends people all the time...

Sometimes I may not choose to listen to the simple answer, but at least I do know it exists... and I know what it is. Sometimes I need to learn things the hard way.... even if the answer is staring me in the goddamn face.

But I can't learn unless I find out the answer, or unless the answer is given to me... (See: "I can't read minds")

And yes, I realize I am stubborn... like an Ox. Yes, I know I am bi-polar... like the north and south of a magnet (sometimes). And yes, I know I can be "Hard to handle" sometimes, but maybe a mutual understanding is necessary, and by this I mean, I am told the answer because I can't read minds, and in return, I try my hardest to make life easier.

If I need my space... I need my space, I don't want to piss anyone off.... and nothing is pissing me off that anyone can do anything about.... I'm bi-polar, it just happends sometimes.

If I need to be around people.... try not to shut me away.... I may not talk to much, but I do enjoy the company of others.

If I just want to hang out.... well, that's easy, I just want to hang out

If I feel the need to be in front of my computer for a while... remind me every now and then, that other things may need attention, and may be important.... (this one I know can be difficult, but I think I will understand in the long run)

AND PLEASE... if something I do pisses anyone off... sometimes you have to tell me these things... right away, after all, I can't read minds, and sometimes faces don't make it any easier.

Oh, and let me clear one thing up before I finish, and go back to bed.... Yes, this was inspired by someone.... However, THIS IS UNIVERSALLY TRUE, and is not DIRECTED at anyone. I am a little more mature than that, and sometimes I just need to get shit out. This goes for just about EVERY person I run into on a daily basis, most just don't have to deal with me all that long. :-P

Being Bi-polar drives me fucking batty

Okay, so we finally get moved in, everything relatively set up, and of course, I am pissing a LOT of people off... I tend to do that under stressful situations. ...so yeah...

I get flustered easily and all I want to do is be alone for a while.... just so I don't piss anyone off, well, most of the time I don't get the opportunity to be alone (especially under moving conditions), so I pissed Mike and his Dad off (I knew I was going to), and stayed @ the house instead of going back for more shit @ the Apartment... but yeah, I was fucking beat... I am not all that strong upper-body wise, and what they were getting was fucking heavy, and all I wanted to do is get the computer room somewhat situated (I have a LOT more computer shit than ANYONE in this house) just so I could have my little dorky safe-haven where I could stay out of the way and out of people's hair.... I HATE being in the way of other people doing shit (or getting shit done).

Okay, so that was day one... not all that bad... but I really hurt myself earlier that day, didn't really let anyone know about it until later (I think I pulled a muscle in my back)

Woke up on Day 2 (mind you, I have to work, and no one else does...), to sharp pains and aches... more so than usual, so I knew this was not going to be a good day...

Went to work, was pretty useless... came home, a little pissed because it looked like nothing got done (though I know some did), and Laura looked exhausted so of course, here I am feeling like shit, looking @ her seeing that she is a little miffed, and looking at everyone else, who looked fine and bad things just went from there.... got in a small little fight with just about everyone... and just did my own thing for a little bit, it calmed down later. Cable Internet got installed along with the Dish, and of course the installers were about as bright as a box of rocks, but we wont go there (they were here when I was not, and I am relying off of others info).


Day 3... Yeah, once again, wake up to sharp pain, not quite as bad as the day before, but it still fucking hurt like hell, now all was fairly normal I wasn't as useless @ work, I still hurt enough to not play pool though (sorry Raven), but yeah, so I get home, and all I want is to sit down for a while, and just not do anything... and I end up getting into another fight, only this time with Laura only... speaking on behalf of the whole group.... and how no one wanted to hear me bitch about how much I hurt and whatnot.

Well yes, I can admit, I was a bit of a pussy and bitching about it a bit more than I should have, but I really was in quite a bit of pain, and I know that everyone else was too... and had probably done more work than I have, but ya know what... I was still in pain and needed to vent...

I know I have been an ass lately, but part of that is my many wonderful mental disorders.... and the other part is that I just need to cope in my own way, and that is being alone, and I have YET to get that as of this moment... i am hoping to get that sometime soon, it will help...

all of this would be helped by meds, but honestly... i really need someone to talk to that is neutral... I need my damn shrink... he's great... but I owe him $125, and I haven't been able to get a hold of him either...


I want to be able to control this.... I need to be able to control this better....
I look at Laura and wish she could understand from my point.... I love her, and I feel like shit for putting her through all of this shit..... all I want is to not piss people off, and just enjoy the company of my best friends in this state without being a complete douche bag...
... more later I think.