The Crash.

So, things are at least fairly consistently going now, I'm not going to say very well, but I can't say that things are horrible... so we'll say mediocre, I like that word anyways... its always brought up such interesting imagery.

So I have had an interesting last few days, and they have posed a lot of questions. So I'll pose some questions at my probably single reader... (there may be as many as 3.... which is fine!).

My question to all:

If in theory, a car was going to crash, this point you could not stop, and lets say no matter what, you are still going to get injured (we won't say dead, that's a little too morbid).

If you were standing on the side lines, and had 2 choices (and only 2), would you choose to either:

A) Stand on the sidelines watching

OR

B) Get into the car to try to steer it as best you could... remember the above

This is my question. I am currently sitting at a point, with good arguments for either side (if this person was me). The crappy part is that basically nothing you do, necessarily changes the outcome of how bad the injuries are, you are still going to get hurt, but would you rather basically feel like you are in control, or stand aside and let things happen... but the fact that you are making a decision on the previous states that in some way, you are still in control.....

And no matter what, you're still going to get hurt.

This question I thought up could be a metaphor for a lot of things, infact, the more I think about it, the more applicable it becomes. So, in my particular situation, its about money... nothing else, at least at this point.

It just makes me wonder, I honestly just made this question up while I was riding home, how many people have thought of things just like this?

Anyway, feel free to comment... I'll try to check back soon.

Random thought: This post should mess with the google adwords a bit!

And on, and on and on....

So to no apparent surprise, I'm depressed again... I'm starting to notice a serious pattern here I think I just get depressed around my birthday... or I do stupid shit around my birthday to make me depressed.... some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate that crap. ANYWAY...

So a little update on things, my life hasn't really gotten any more complicated, Ive just gotten older and far more tired of stupid fucking jobs that I basically waste my life at, and feel almost no satisfaction from. I want to start a business but I'm at a point where I'm kinda scared, partially because of the economy, and where I want to put it may not work out too well... and I don't want to fail at something else. The other major reason I'm scared is because I look at the numbers, do the math and sit there and say, I really can't afford for it to fail, but almost NO ONE will even begin to give some jackass like me a loan, especially without a business degree.

I dunno... I'm just depressed about a lot of shit lately.

I'm really scared that my current relationship is going to fall apart.... without much rhyme or reason behind my statement. I work nights, and she works days, we barely see each other at this point, and our days off are TOTALLY different, we used to at least share a day off together. I hate that feeling where I can feel things breaking down, but I can't put my finger on why... so then my brain just makes shit up... then blows it out of proportion. This is one of those times right now where I can say I really care about someone and don't want to hurt them, but at the same point, I could really understand if they don't want to be with me.

I want to fucking be happy, or at least have more moments in my life where I am not worrying about stupid crap that probably isn't even there.

I want some financial stability, I don't care about being wealthy, I just want to pay my fucking bills on time, and in full.... I'm better off than I was about a year ago... but not much better. I feel like I'm running in place, and only loosing momentum. I had a good thing going for me in my previous position. I was a Tier 3 (basically) technical support rep, that got promoted to a supervisory position, I wasn't making serious bank, but I was making more than a fair amount of my friends (not that it matters, just a basis of comparison), and I was, more importantly, starting to make some headway on my bills. Then my program closed, and they wanted me over in another program, but I basically took a pay cut and a demotion... back to the phones.

I'm tired of this goddamn grind, I don't even care about being my own boss, I just want to work someplace, doing something that I can find rewarding, and I would like to be at least properly compensated. Shit, its like I'm asking for the moon here.

I feel like severing all my ties, bringing only the things and people that are VERY close to me, and living off the land in the mountains somewhere... this is how frustrating it is for me. But the fucked up part is, I can't even do that, because of how much I owe in student loans... they'll come and find me.

I dunno I think I'm gonna go kill pixels for bit, more writing later.