I need to cry....

so yeah, as the title of this says, I need to cry, but the problem is, I can't seem to. Its not a problem with me being to "manly", I couldn't give a shit less about that. Its not about leaving my friends here, I will be in touch, one way or another... probably see them around the fourth of July (when mike, mar, and whomever else and I go up to the white mountains), I do intend on keeping that tradition... I love it up there and I love being with my friends.

It is a matter of how frustrated things are making me right now. There are too many variables, and I don't know how to fucking solve for X.... its not even a matter of actually getting there, I don't even know where to begin. I know I really need to make the decision, either stay here or go home, but there are complications:

- Am I going to be able to afford the move (depends on what I need to rent to get back home)?
- Once I get home... If I go home, where am I going to stay?... Right now, my mom told me I can move back in, but I have to find an apartment soon (I don't want to be a burden).
- I have a good friend that is starting a business, and wants me as an on-site technician... but that is pending on him getting a house to start this business in (and to live in), so I have to either stay @ Radioshack in SYR somewhere, or find a computer store or something to work at whist he takes care of business. (which I may stay at anyway just for the extra income).
- I would like to work @ SU (Syracuse University) and go to school at the same time.... it would be convenient... and I think I still get tuition for free (I'll have to check on that) because my stepfather Gary works there and has worked there for like almost 30 years now. If its not free... I still have to finish my school... without it, I'm just another loser, so I either go to SU or OCC.

- If I don't move back, I will have to find either another job to supplement or I may have to leave radioshack altogether, I don't really want to leave, so I may find something in the mean time... if I am going to leave RS, it would have to be a VERY nice job, that would justify it to me, and to Steve.
- Thinking of Steve, he offered me a place to live (for cheaper than I am currently paying...) if I want out of my current situation, which honestly would probably be a good idea. I love these guys and all, but sometimes its a bit much to deal with, and I know that I am not the best to deal with sometimes either, probably around times like now because of how pissy I can be when I get frustrated.... I don't know.

:: smashes head into keyboard ::
I just wish this was a little easier.... less options, less shit going on... and more money :-P that would make it a little bit of an easier decision.

I have to do what makes me happy, but I know that initially, I will be happy to move back to SYR, but its the karma city, and I will want out again, I would be relatively happy to stay here, but there would have to be some change.... either way, I am going to have to start making a fair amount of money, not because it makes you happy, but because I have a lot of shit WAY overdue that I need to start paying on, and I need to stop dragging the house down. I would love to be able to work from home, and go to school, that would be awesome, and it would make things a lot easier... but I am not looking for a "get rich quick" scheme. I want to be technical support or something like that.

..... I'm gonna stop now.... I need to take a shower and have a butt... and get ready for work
I may edit this later, but I want to post it now.

Current Events & Happinings...

So yeah... tis time for another update to the world....

Okay, starting off with random cool stuff:

Went to an event called "Market Place at Birka" with 2 good friends... and I didn't feel like a 3rd wheel... its kinda like a renaissance fair, only its not a fair, its a marketplace, and its inside (lucky for me, I was wearing a Kilt!). Yes, I was wearing a kilt... and yes, it was in the "Traditional Fashion", and Yes, that fact was checked... by a few people... one of which by the name of Kieth... who is black as night, and as gay as a rainbow... he has very soft hands... ANYWAY... it was a blast, and NO, I'm not gay! :-) (though I bet Kieth wishes I was.... at least at times)

Things have been SLOWLY improving lately... as far at least with the monetary flow... still not as good as Christmas time... but yeah it never is in retail. Though still poor... due to the amount of heating oil this house consumes... at least my head is slightly above the water.

I also most recently found out that my paternal grandfather is out of the hospital... YAY! He went in a little before Christmas I guess.... for a few things, but hey, he's out now and home with my grandmother (thank goodness... she was probably a wreck). I just hope I can get home soon to see him...

Okay, well that's it for the good/cool stuff....

And now to play off to the digital doctor that seems to be this blog (*and I apologize to people that read this shit sometimes.... but hey, it gets all this crap off my chest*)...

So yeah, I am really up in the air on where I want to be after my lease is up in April...

HONESTLY I wouldn't mind staying here.... but I really want to be back in SYR (Syracuse, NY). I have friends both here and there, but there is really nothing holding me here anymore, I still have my job here (which no matter how much I get frustrated with it, I still like it), but that's about it. My family kinda needs me... or at least needs me close for a while. They didn't tell me this, I just can feel it. I haven't seen anyone in over a year and a half for more than a few hours when I went back to get my car inspected in Sept. . Barely any of my friends have bothered to call me.... even though my cell phone number has stayed the same for the past 2 and a half years. And I REALLY miss everyone.

I could stay here and possibly find either another job that's part time, or.... more sadly, leave Steve, RadioShack and 1017 behind and do something a little different possibly.... I don't know anymore... there is no simple answer, and there is no one that can make or even help make that decision....

If I move back to SYR, I have my parents and my friends, I have a place to live.... no job thus far, but I do have people looking for me....

If I stay here, I have my friends, I have a place to live, and a decent job....

:: long pause ::

I really don't want to leave here without my friends, but I have my old friends waiting... I have my family waiting... ::shrugs::


I just don't fucking know anymore...