Emotions, Mental whatnot... and cigarettes!

Okay, right now I am sitting at IHOP, but I am writing this without a connection to the web… thanks to basic typing programs.

So in less than a week, I leave for NYC, I am excited, worried, depressed, and happy all at once. It’s a really weird feeling that most of us call nervous. Nervous is something different in my head.

Nervous implies some kind of mental unrest, as in I have some kind of mental block against going or maybe I don’t know how anything is going to work out and I am going down there on a dime and a shoe string… I’ve played that game once, and honestly, I fought the good fight, and I came back to Syracuse because I ran out of money.

I love it in NYC, it’s a great city. There are plenty of good opportunities, there is a lot going on- pretty much any time you want. I have a few friends that still live there, that I have been trying to visit for the past 7 years, but never got to it… now I have the chance and plenty of time to chill.

The semi-shitty thing about this “move” is that I am going to be away from my G/F (that’s girlfriend for the non-savvy). Now… I have done this before, long-distance relationships are pretty hard, in-fact her and I have done this before, so I know exactly what I am getting into, so therefore I expect her to as well… but for some reason I really don’t see much difference between before when we did this and now, but on the other hand, I am not her.

I say semi-shitty because I don’t look at being away from someone you love as horrible, granted, it’s not great, but it’s not the worst thing you could do either. I trust her, so that’s not a problem. I’m pretty sure she trusts me, so I don’t think that’s the problem either. Either way, she is not very happy with my choice, or I know that she doesn’t like the idea because she really didn’t have much play in the situation, but she also knows that the financial bullshit is just adding up too fast for me or her to pull us out of it.

I guess I feel really guilty putting her through this again, but I honestly don’t feel that it is as big of a problem as she does. I sound like an asshole when I put that on paper… wow. I’m not heartless; I think I just deal with the situation differently.

It’s like when my grandfather passed away last year: I was calm and collected, until my cousin Josh read the eulogy, but I held it together fairly well, yeah, I sobbed quietly, and yeah, it was obvious, but I wasn’t a ball of tears in the middle of the ceremony. The only other time that I lost it was when his coffin was lowered into the ground. I had to walk away from the whole funeral party and stare out onto the lake and cry by myself. During that whole month after, I just wanted to push people away, and after a while, I healed, and everything was back to normal. I don’t deal with things the way people expect. I never have, even when I was a small child.

Long-distance relationships are about the same, yeah, I miss the person, but I don’t pine for them, my chest doesn’t hurt with loneliness, I’m just happy to see them when I can, and I try to make the best out of every moment we have together. Saying goodbye sucks a bit, but that’s how life and love are. You just gotta take the good times with the bad.

I will see her every other week; we have to be back up here in Syracuse so Eric can see his child. It’s on average better than what she and I had before. When she lived in CT, and I was here 2 summers back, I saw here anywhere between every 2 to 3 weeks. Unless something goes horribly wrong… this should be it, not too bad if you ask me. This is really the only thing that is even somewhat stressing me out right now. I know where we (Eric and I) will be, the apartment is in a nice area, 105^th and Riverside Drive. I’m not going to give my exact address, but it’s close to there. For a little while I will be sleeping on an air mattress, but I will get a futon within a few weeks, maybe a desk or something, who knows. Little things like that don’t bother me that much, I know exactly what to expect when I get there, I used to live there… no big deal. The first couple months are set for rent and shit. And for a little while, all I gotta worry about is getting a little bit of food in me, havin’ smokes (which I have a solution for… more on this shortly), and some cash in my pocket (not a lot, because I will be sending most back up here).

Okay, so as everyone knows that actually reads this blog… (the few, the proud, my readers!) I smoke, and I have for years… I’m 27 now, I started smoking when I was 16… 11 years now… wow, anyway—I found a really cool “alternative”, actually Raven (my G/F) found it. I had only really briefly heard about the concept, and I tried something like it a while ago… the electronic cigarette. Anyway, what I tried, was not quite electronic, it was just… different, and I think somehow “better” for you, they don’t sell them anymore I don’t think, but basically they just had a heating element in them, and only ashed ¼ of an inch off the end of the cigarette, I don’t remember what they were called, but they tasted really funny… anyway, what Raven found is indeed a true electronic cigarette. I am stating now that this is in no manner a commercial; you can go to their site yourself. The company is called “Blu” (www.blucigs.com), I looked a little into it, and it seems that it is a pretty dirt cheap alternative that also seems that it is better for you as well. There is a chance of nicotine poisoning, but that is because people don’t know when to stop smoking the thing… it blinks 10 times or something like that to let you know you are over using it. For the rate that I smoke (which is about 1/3 of a pack per day) this works out really well, I will probably get a month out of a “carton”, maybe less, because I can “smoke” more, and who knows if I will or not. There are other companies out there, like smokeeverywhere (or something along those lines) but I like the blu company better because they don’t really make any solid CLAIMS about health benefits or other shit, and they have their “pack” that charges the batteries… the reason I bother to mention this, is that I know that I have a few random readers from time to time, and I really would like to know a little more about this before I spend 60 bucks on the starter kit, and I also want to tell the few random readers that there is something else other than “traditional” cigarettes, and hell, if it saves ya a couple bucks… good for you, and who knows, this indeed could be healthier. SO… random and non-random readers… PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT if you have tried this product or not, or send me an email or something… I really do want to know, good things and bad things.

I probably will be spending the money anyway, primarily because cigs in NYC are like 9-10 bucks a pack, and frankly even though my job will be paying me more, I don’t want to be spending the difference on smokes! You will have a little bit of time to respond, because I will be taking a few packs with me, and probably will be ordering them within the first few weeks, so please, if you have some experience with BLU, let me know ASAP.

Okay… so I know that was lengthy, but I am honestly all for making it cheaper for me and potentially healthier (at least a little). **RAPID SUBJECT CHANGE**

So I really can’t explain my emotions right now, I’m giddy about going back to some old stomping grounds, but I feel like I’m being a prick to not only my G/F but some family members, I’ll be back every other weekend, so it’s not too bad… and time away from Syracuse is never a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but sometimes old memories really need to stay OLD memories… nothing bad, I just don’t like constantly re-living the past. I come to IHOP because it’s a long standing tradition, but sometimes I just get caught up in things, and how they used to be…

I also think some time separated from almost everyone won’t be a bad thing. Being alone, helps me get collected, mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically.

Well, I think that’s gonna be it from me for now. I’ll post this at my earliest convenience.

See ya later!

There and Back again....

Yes, that was a blatant reference from LOTR... moving along.

Yeah, so here we go. I have an opportunity that I am really not totally sure about, but I am going to make the best of it.

I am basically going to be going on a "contract-to-hire" basis, working with Eric (my roommate) and Gary (another good guy that lived with me for a bit, and has known Eric for a while). I will be a glorified secretary... and by glorified, I mean, not only taking calls, making appointments, and responding to/with emails... but I will also be updating a few websites, and doing PDA/Blackberry support and a little implementation here and there. The two of them, plus this other person (of whom I do not know at this moment), are going to be leasing apartments (with a leasing company), and my job will be basically be on their back-end, supporting their needs, which honestly, I am totally okay with. I get paid $10/hour, and I get commission from what they get leased (which is loosely based on the website adds I update/post), my commission is a sliding scale that actually makes sense, and I get to telecommute most days... which means I chill behind my desk, at home, in my boxer shorts, and do my job. Every now and then they may need me to come out and show an apartment for them (which i will probably be entitled to a little more if it gets leased). Now, all this sounds cool right? It gets slightly better... I am going to be able to see what EVERYONE makes because I will be the one in charge of the "books". Cooler right?

And now... for the explanation of the title....

This job is in NYC. 

This is not a bad thing, it does bring back a few bad memories... but those are all because of me... gotta do what ya gotta do right?

I am obligated to be there at least 3 months... which works out okay, because if i need to cut-bait and get the hell out, I can do so before things get too horrible. There are some immediate draw backs... like the fact that my G/F will have to stay here for a bit, mainly because of the fact that I will have to have a small apartment, the other fact, is that she is anchored (loosely) by her job. The upside to that is I will be home at a minimum of every other weekend... doable.

She is worried about a lot of things, which I can understand completely. However she has not seen what I went through to get as far as I have thus far.... I know when to leave if I have to.

There are some fears I have too... one of which is, am I going to be able to make enough money to support the things I need to. The numbers line up fairly well, I am going to be staying pretty busy, but if something goes wrong, I do have a back up, which is basically, BAIL, but If shit happens too fast, will I have enough time? will I be able to get out when I need to? I am secure with Radioshack... but if I get myself into enough trouble, I may not be able to pull back out.... I got a lot of bills right now, and the reason I am going down there to make enough money to pay the bills off up here, and not to acquire enough down there to put me back in the same place.

In all theory, I should be good, the only real bills that will start down there for me is rent, power, food and metro card. rent is split 3 ways, power is split 3 ways, food is my own and metro card is my own... provided we get a cheap place (which is being worked on every day until we are ready to leave) we should be generally good to go... I am only going to bring my laptop, at least at first.

I dunno, not planning on any commission checks, things are tight, but still less tight than me being up here... there are just too many variables right now to figure out though... I don't know the costs of things.

I miss the city, but I made myself a promise... that I am breaking... that I would not go back down to NYC unless I had a solid means to support myself (like $50,000 a year). In all technicality, this job has the potential, not to mention I could just run across something really sweet whilst I'm there... the networking capabilities down there are limitless.

I guess that's it for now... I'll keep ya posted.

as of right now, my last day in the 'Cuse (Syracuse that is!) is June 15th... a week before my B'day.

Updates.... Part 1

Ok, when I last left you, I was in NH, struggling with a lot of decisions. Well I went, and I am now in Syracuse, I said my goodbyes and I'm here now. End of story right..... never with me... come on now, you should know that. So yeah, I left NH about 2 months ago, Transferred to a different radio shack, which is working out fairly well so far, and I do landscaping as a full time job right now (better, more stable money). I'm living at home right now, but as of june 22nd, I put a deposit on an apartment which is AWESOME... its in the city, in a half-way decent area, that has a great park and pool nearby. So, that's the main... ME part. I am currently working with my buddy Eric from High school at the landscaping company, and things are pretty kewl there, we are going to be starting a "video blog" on myspace about all the crazy shit we do @ work.

... and now for the kicker... hold on to your shorts....
I have a new girlfiend.... yeah, I know... are ya good now?

So yeah, I know I said I wanted to be single for a while, and honestly it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but I'm one to get lonely fairly quick, and it takes me a while to remember this.

Not to mention, it was one of those things that I just kinda fell into... She has been a good friend of mine for a long time now and her and I have always had good energy together but had either A: thought it would be too wierd or B: thought that it wouldn't work.

Well, as far as A goes... its not, its a good thing. and as far as B goes... well so far, most excellent.... you see, its hard to describe the mental connection we have other than being "mental twins".

... To be Continued...

Current Events & Happinings...

So yeah... tis time for another update to the world....

Okay, starting off with random cool stuff:

Went to an event called "Market Place at Birka" with 2 good friends... and I didn't feel like a 3rd wheel... its kinda like a renaissance fair, only its not a fair, its a marketplace, and its inside (lucky for me, I was wearing a Kilt!). Yes, I was wearing a kilt... and yes, it was in the "Traditional Fashion", and Yes, that fact was checked... by a few people... one of which by the name of Kieth... who is black as night, and as gay as a rainbow... he has very soft hands... ANYWAY... it was a blast, and NO, I'm not gay! :-) (though I bet Kieth wishes I was.... at least at times)

Things have been SLOWLY improving lately... as far at least with the monetary flow... still not as good as Christmas time... but yeah it never is in retail. Though still poor... due to the amount of heating oil this house consumes... at least my head is slightly above the water.

I also most recently found out that my paternal grandfather is out of the hospital... YAY! He went in a little before Christmas I guess.... for a few things, but hey, he's out now and home with my grandmother (thank goodness... she was probably a wreck). I just hope I can get home soon to see him...

Okay, well that's it for the good/cool stuff....

And now to play off to the digital doctor that seems to be this blog (*and I apologize to people that read this shit sometimes.... but hey, it gets all this crap off my chest*)...

So yeah, I am really up in the air on where I want to be after my lease is up in April...

HONESTLY I wouldn't mind staying here.... but I really want to be back in SYR (Syracuse, NY). I have friends both here and there, but there is really nothing holding me here anymore, I still have my job here (which no matter how much I get frustrated with it, I still like it), but that's about it. My family kinda needs me... or at least needs me close for a while. They didn't tell me this, I just can feel it. I haven't seen anyone in over a year and a half for more than a few hours when I went back to get my car inspected in Sept. . Barely any of my friends have bothered to call me.... even though my cell phone number has stayed the same for the past 2 and a half years. And I REALLY miss everyone.

I could stay here and possibly find either another job that's part time, or.... more sadly, leave Steve, RadioShack and 1017 behind and do something a little different possibly.... I don't know anymore... there is no simple answer, and there is no one that can make or even help make that decision....

If I move back to SYR, I have my parents and my friends, I have a place to live.... no job thus far, but I do have people looking for me....

If I stay here, I have my friends, I have a place to live, and a decent job....

:: long pause ::

I really don't want to leave here without my friends, but I have my old friends waiting... I have my family waiting... ::shrugs::


I just don't fucking know anymore...

An offer I couldn't refuse...

So yes, I was made an offer.... an offer I couldn't refuse.... so I didn't. (refuse!)

As a radioshack associate, we were offered a price break on 2 different Sirius satellite radio receivers (for a VERY limited time... like 3 weeks) ... the Sportster4 Receiver for $90 (normally $149.99 retail), and the Stiletto100 Portable receiver for $150 (normally $349.99 retail). Yeah, I got the Stiletto :-P.

So I get the car kit, the DAY I order this thing (I have to have it shipped to me) just so I can get it installed, and take my time with it and not do a sloppy job with the installation. So with a little help from my good friend Raven, we get this thing installed... and damn, it just looks GOOD... no wires... anywhere! I am still psyched about that :-). So about 5 days ago, I get this thing, and since then... oh yes, TONS of awesome programming :-), I have 30 presets... and most of them are already filled.

So I'm thoroughly enjoying my radio about 2 days ago... Area 33 is one of my favorites (bad ass trance-y techno-y shit :-) ), and I hear a great beat... so I turn it up a little bit, and low and behold it just starts sounding like shit. NOW... I know all of my speakers have been blown (2 were before I owned the car) but this was just the last straw for me....

SO, I go to walmart last night, go pick out some half-way decent replacement speakers (I figure almost ANYTHING will sound better at this point). I find out shortly after opening the packaging, that the ones I picked out are low-line Rocksford Fosgate speakers (which if you don't know, they make some pretty excellent speakers!)... SHHAAWEEET.... so after a slight size mishap... I went back to walmart, got the right size, and finished the install in their parking lot... and drove home, literally in tears... my system sounds about 100x better and well, I'm an audiophile... you do the math....

so yeah, got a new haircut, a new radio, new speakers.... I'm doin pretty goddamn decent!
feelin good
TAYS... (Talk At Ya Soon!)

News... not exactly good news, but news nonetheless

Yeah, so I just wanted to keep all of my intrigued readers (Yeah right!) up-to-date with more "unlucky events"....

1. Laura and I broke up... there really isn't much to explain, and what I could explain, I don't want to post here, its not appropriate nor does EVERYONE I know, need to know the details. (most probably wont care anyway)

2. Work sucks... the only benefit is that we just were able to hire another person on.... PT, but whatever, its another body on the floor... and she's pretty intelligent, which in electronics retail, is nice. HOWEVER, we are still going to be loosing a FT associate on Jan 14th for school... so we need more people.

3. Okay, so something good.... ::thinks really hard:: I still have friends and family (even though I really haven't seen them in over a year, not counting the one day that I registered my car).... ::Thinks so hard he has smoke coming from his ears:: Svetty has been running well... though I do say, I still haven't re-paid my mechanic yet, as things around here have only gotten more interesting..... yeah, now my head hurts.... I'm not going to think anymore


okay, so yeah... that's it for now... onward to some music or something