Responsibilites suck....

So yeah, I got my tax return back on Friday... all $923, sweet deal.... but the sad part is that more than half of that has to go to bills... which in the long run is better, because that will make money easier to save, and it will ultimately mean that a new clutch for Svetty will be coming soon.

I wanted to spend that money on Svetty and my computer ("Ritsuko") , Ritsuko needs a few new things, but most important right now is a new power supply. I am sick of having to spend 20 minutes of my normal morning TRYING to start up my computer... it pisses me off. Not to mention burning CD/DVD's is a pain in the ass because it could just randomly power itself off and make a coaster out of the burning media.... and if I am making a "lightscribe" disc.... that is one fucking expensive mistake.


Anyway.... poor svetty... she needs a bath, and needs to be cleaned inside too.... I haven't had the time to take care of her. Poor girl's screamin' at me for a new clutch, an oil change and a good hard inspection of the ignition system (O2 sensor is probably on its way out).... but hey, right now I can get by... not TOOO much longer, but I can make it for the time being.

With all the bills paid off, all I have to worry about is rent (and I gotta pay car insurance too...), and that's not a big deal.

Stage 1 racing clutch... here I come!
I'll keep ya posted on the progression of that....

Drifting....

So yeah, this has only a little bit to actually do with the title.... I watched Tokyo Drift, well worth a rental, a kind of "typical" fast and the furious lack of Juicy plot... but the juicy women made up for it :-P. That's what kind of inspired the last post.

Anyway... to the reason I call this drifting...

It has been a while since I hit rock bottom, I'm not there yet, but I am certainly close. I hate it when I get like this... and I think the people around me do too... at least the ones that care enough to tell or say something. These are the days when I think about what would happen if I let go of the steering wheel, and just kinda, went with the flow.... now, I may be slightly out of my tree... but I am not suicidal... everyone at one time or another has suicidal thoughts and thats normal... what is not normal, is when you act on them.... and that ladies and gentlemen, is something I would never do.

So there have been a lot of things on my mind as of late...
- Moving (if yes or no)
- Making sure that I have enough money to take care of things around the house.
- Making sure all the bills get paid that are in my name... and everyone in the house gets paid for what I owe them.
- Trying to ensure that I have the proper funds to get svetty her new clutch... (may not happen)
- Trying to deal with my own bipolar self
... ya know, that kind of shit.

But I have been thinking a lot lately as well... you see I am good at multitasking... very good. This you will understand a little better shortly.

So anyway, that's most of the "front-burner" kind of shit summed up nicely... now for the more "back-burner, I don't tell people about this shit" shall we?

There are a few things in specific that I have been thinking about, and have been sitting on the back burner... but the one that bothers me the most... is me thinking about past relationships (IE: Girlfriends). And yes, plural. I have been rather lonely as of late... but that's really something that I chose to have. Honestly, I need to think about myself for a while anyway. But past girlfriends have been creeping into my thoughts, partially because I am lonely, and I understand that, but there are other things.... like I have unfinished business or something. Which I don't. I said what I said... to all of them. But still I sit here, 04:56 (almost 5 am to you 12hr people), unable to sleep... If I had something more to say to them, I would. Not like it would matter anyway, its all moot now, it means nothing, and even if I had something to say, that wasn't relevant to the relationship... it still wouldn't matter, hell, I'd be lucky to get any kind of response. Let alone something that would be satisfying enough to shut my brain up. There has been a-many-a-night that I have wanted to just fucking cry myself asleep... hoping that it would help... problem with that: A: people can hear me B: can never seem to produce the tears

That's the big one on the back burner... and there are several more, but we'll leave the rest unattended for now... IE: your not getting the whole story, but leave it the fuck alone.

I had another "episode" yesterday, about this time.... and yes, episode needs to be in quotes because I am referring to it in a way that it may not be intended. An "episode" to me is what basically I nick-named "treeing" (that's so spell check doesn't go too ballistic). "Treeing" I will define for you, its complicated, but just follow the steps, they are in chronological order. This normally happens when I have been thinking a lot about one specific subject... could be anything, and I do mean anything. Keep in mind, that when this is happening to me, I am not really aware of my surroundings, unless something touches me, and I am not really conscious of time until I come out of this... so I really don't know how long i can be "treeing" but it happened once for about 15 hours... I was in NYC on a park bench...

1. Take said subject matter, and go back as far as you can remember of it personally. (EXAMPLE: A friend you knew in kindergarten... the day you met)
2. Now, find every instance of you making a decision with them, or involving them directly or indirectly. (EXAMPLE: you go out to have lunch with your new friend or by yourself) This part normally takes the human brain a while... this is where being good at multi-tasking comes into play.
   
3. Now that you have found EVERY decision you have ever made with your friend, go through, one-by-one and make the opposite or another choice in the given situation, until said choice has exhausted itself. (EXAMPLE: you chose to have lunch with your new friend... good, what would have happened if you didn't, probably wouldn't have been as good of friends... maybe the next day you go out with him... oh wait.. he was sick that day.... are you starting to understand?)

Now, normally, changing the earliest decisions makes the most dramatic impact... but the further up you go on the "tree" the more accurate you can potentially get, with the least amount of known "interference". Meaning, that basically, the more recent you get with this decision altering... the more accurately you could potentially predict the outcome because the things that affect each decision are smaller and easier to think around..... hard to explain... but hey, I know I'm fucking crazy... sorry... it happens.

Luckily, I wasn't "treeing" for more than 20 minutes last night... I was tired, and I also was standing... well, leaning, not that I think the subject would have lasted that long anyway... but ya never know sometimes.

well I'll leave ya to wrap your head around that shit for a while... come back to me when you think you understand what I deal with mentally on a daily fucking basis. (and no, that is not meant to sound condescending... I just hate those people that say "I know exactly what you mean" and you just KNOW they have no idea. )

Talk at ya again soon....
Maybe I can drift off to sleep now.

Saab suite

Ballet in 3 acts for SAAB 9000 Turbos. Special appearance SAAB 9000 cabriolet Keep in mind, that all of these cars are stock. NO SPECIAL PARTS! :-P