Still here... alive and kickin....

So, I was supposed to be in NYC today... but Gary (the person whom is picking Eric and I up) had an issue with his employer, and couldn't get the time off.... so we now wait till Saturday.... at least all my shit is packed and ready to go.... has been since Tuesday/Wednesday, now will be till Saturday....

I was really hoping things would start working better for Gary. He's had a lot of shit to go through as of late, His mom went into the hospital in like February/March, his brother boned him on something related to a house, his dad got diagnosed with some weird blood disease... but Gary is a lot like I am, just take what you can take, and do stuff as best you can, and it will work out in the end because that's what you told it to do.

I think Eric blames me for freakin out a few times... like how G went missing for a few months... (he was in the hospital). And how we hadn't heard from him in a while.... his dad got diagnosed with the whole blood thing ( it was like a month ago)

I worry about shit.... sorry, Its my fuckin job lately. I left Radioshack to go to NYC. I have no income right now, and my hands are tied. I would like to be in some form of communication with people so I know what the fuck is going on.... WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM ACCEPTING THIS? Why do I get the "stop freakin out" look? I swear, the man is lucky i don't snap while he sleeps.... or G may only be picking one person up.

let me throw somethin out at ya:

When someone you need to be able to contact, is unreachable, and doesn't respond to any form of communication, what do you do? worry.... then what? freak out a bit...then what? freak out more.... and that's about as far as it goes.

Yes I was worried about G and I was also kinda pissed because he didn't call or anything for at least a couple weeks. NOW, I am a pretty understanding person, and when E told me the news about G's Dad, then I was like, Oh, OK, but I still wish he could have called at some point.

Call, Text,email, BBM (blackberry stuff), PIN (blackberry stuff)

there are a lot of ways....

or you can call my house, and leave a message for both E and me to here.

It could have been simple, but I know he is also a pretty busy person. There is no reason to blow up at me for being more than slightly concerned.

ANYWAY... so I'm chillin for another couple of days, I really just want to go now.... get this tension and shit out of the air so we can all move on with our lives... I know raven wants to have me stay (or go with), but honestly, it just makes things that much harder later on. I know that, I'm pretty sure she knows that, but I also know its hard to resist.

This place is gonna be lonely, and I really hope she has people over, gets together with friends... etc. because she is much more of a social person than I am. I'm human, but the fact is, I don't need as much person-to-person contact as I think she does. I have also done this whole long-distance thing quite a few times, and sadly, I'm actually used to it.

::thinking:: Maybe this is some kind of defense mechanism or something. I do better with long-distance than face to face... who knows... but it is an interesting observation.

well, that's it for now... hopefully by Saturday (the 4th) I'll be in NYC, and I'll post from there. I do love the fireworks, dunno if I'll be able to see them... but good stuff nonetheless.

Emotions, Mental whatnot... and cigarettes!

Okay, right now I am sitting at IHOP, but I am writing this without a connection to the web… thanks to basic typing programs.

So in less than a week, I leave for NYC, I am excited, worried, depressed, and happy all at once. It’s a really weird feeling that most of us call nervous. Nervous is something different in my head.

Nervous implies some kind of mental unrest, as in I have some kind of mental block against going or maybe I don’t know how anything is going to work out and I am going down there on a dime and a shoe string… I’ve played that game once, and honestly, I fought the good fight, and I came back to Syracuse because I ran out of money.

I love it in NYC, it’s a great city. There are plenty of good opportunities, there is a lot going on- pretty much any time you want. I have a few friends that still live there, that I have been trying to visit for the past 7 years, but never got to it… now I have the chance and plenty of time to chill.

The semi-shitty thing about this “move” is that I am going to be away from my G/F (that’s girlfriend for the non-savvy). Now… I have done this before, long-distance relationships are pretty hard, in-fact her and I have done this before, so I know exactly what I am getting into, so therefore I expect her to as well… but for some reason I really don’t see much difference between before when we did this and now, but on the other hand, I am not her.

I say semi-shitty because I don’t look at being away from someone you love as horrible, granted, it’s not great, but it’s not the worst thing you could do either. I trust her, so that’s not a problem. I’m pretty sure she trusts me, so I don’t think that’s the problem either. Either way, she is not very happy with my choice, or I know that she doesn’t like the idea because she really didn’t have much play in the situation, but she also knows that the financial bullshit is just adding up too fast for me or her to pull us out of it.

I guess I feel really guilty putting her through this again, but I honestly don’t feel that it is as big of a problem as she does. I sound like an asshole when I put that on paper… wow. I’m not heartless; I think I just deal with the situation differently.

It’s like when my grandfather passed away last year: I was calm and collected, until my cousin Josh read the eulogy, but I held it together fairly well, yeah, I sobbed quietly, and yeah, it was obvious, but I wasn’t a ball of tears in the middle of the ceremony. The only other time that I lost it was when his coffin was lowered into the ground. I had to walk away from the whole funeral party and stare out onto the lake and cry by myself. During that whole month after, I just wanted to push people away, and after a while, I healed, and everything was back to normal. I don’t deal with things the way people expect. I never have, even when I was a small child.

Long-distance relationships are about the same, yeah, I miss the person, but I don’t pine for them, my chest doesn’t hurt with loneliness, I’m just happy to see them when I can, and I try to make the best out of every moment we have together. Saying goodbye sucks a bit, but that’s how life and love are. You just gotta take the good times with the bad.

I will see her every other week; we have to be back up here in Syracuse so Eric can see his child. It’s on average better than what she and I had before. When she lived in CT, and I was here 2 summers back, I saw here anywhere between every 2 to 3 weeks. Unless something goes horribly wrong… this should be it, not too bad if you ask me. This is really the only thing that is even somewhat stressing me out right now. I know where we (Eric and I) will be, the apartment is in a nice area, 105^th and Riverside Drive. I’m not going to give my exact address, but it’s close to there. For a little while I will be sleeping on an air mattress, but I will get a futon within a few weeks, maybe a desk or something, who knows. Little things like that don’t bother me that much, I know exactly what to expect when I get there, I used to live there… no big deal. The first couple months are set for rent and shit. And for a little while, all I gotta worry about is getting a little bit of food in me, havin’ smokes (which I have a solution for… more on this shortly), and some cash in my pocket (not a lot, because I will be sending most back up here).

Okay, so as everyone knows that actually reads this blog… (the few, the proud, my readers!) I smoke, and I have for years… I’m 27 now, I started smoking when I was 16… 11 years now… wow, anyway—I found a really cool “alternative”, actually Raven (my G/F) found it. I had only really briefly heard about the concept, and I tried something like it a while ago… the electronic cigarette. Anyway, what I tried, was not quite electronic, it was just… different, and I think somehow “better” for you, they don’t sell them anymore I don’t think, but basically they just had a heating element in them, and only ashed ¼ of an inch off the end of the cigarette, I don’t remember what they were called, but they tasted really funny… anyway, what Raven found is indeed a true electronic cigarette. I am stating now that this is in no manner a commercial; you can go to their site yourself. The company is called “Blu” (www.blucigs.com), I looked a little into it, and it seems that it is a pretty dirt cheap alternative that also seems that it is better for you as well. There is a chance of nicotine poisoning, but that is because people don’t know when to stop smoking the thing… it blinks 10 times or something like that to let you know you are over using it. For the rate that I smoke (which is about 1/3 of a pack per day) this works out really well, I will probably get a month out of a “carton”, maybe less, because I can “smoke” more, and who knows if I will or not. There are other companies out there, like smokeeverywhere (or something along those lines) but I like the blu company better because they don’t really make any solid CLAIMS about health benefits or other shit, and they have their “pack” that charges the batteries… the reason I bother to mention this, is that I know that I have a few random readers from time to time, and I really would like to know a little more about this before I spend 60 bucks on the starter kit, and I also want to tell the few random readers that there is something else other than “traditional” cigarettes, and hell, if it saves ya a couple bucks… good for you, and who knows, this indeed could be healthier. SO… random and non-random readers… PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT if you have tried this product or not, or send me an email or something… I really do want to know, good things and bad things.

I probably will be spending the money anyway, primarily because cigs in NYC are like 9-10 bucks a pack, and frankly even though my job will be paying me more, I don’t want to be spending the difference on smokes! You will have a little bit of time to respond, because I will be taking a few packs with me, and probably will be ordering them within the first few weeks, so please, if you have some experience with BLU, let me know ASAP.

Okay… so I know that was lengthy, but I am honestly all for making it cheaper for me and potentially healthier (at least a little). **RAPID SUBJECT CHANGE**

So I really can’t explain my emotions right now, I’m giddy about going back to some old stomping grounds, but I feel like I’m being a prick to not only my G/F but some family members, I’ll be back every other weekend, so it’s not too bad… and time away from Syracuse is never a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but sometimes old memories really need to stay OLD memories… nothing bad, I just don’t like constantly re-living the past. I come to IHOP because it’s a long standing tradition, but sometimes I just get caught up in things, and how they used to be…

I also think some time separated from almost everyone won’t be a bad thing. Being alone, helps me get collected, mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically.

Well, I think that’s gonna be it from me for now. I’ll post this at my earliest convenience.

See ya later!

... still here... for another 13 days

Okay, so last time we left off at me going to NYC and being nervous and such of that sort...

Right, so I am still a little nervous, but I am seriously looking forward to the 12th/13th... that will be the day that Eric and i go down. I got a lot of my bills squared, at least pushed back far enough to where it won't be a problem putting my bank acct. negative.

Gary has located 2 places, one is on 86th and the other is on 101st (or something along those lines). both are pet friendly... so I won't have to worry about raven taking care of the dog, or anyone else for that matter. Both are also walk-ups, but no higher than the 3rd floor... so I'm down with that.

I haven't really figured out what I am going to sleep on, but I have slept on dirty clothes for extended periods of time, so I should be ok :-p.

The shit end of the stick, is that I haven't had the time to really talk to my family about this... not that there is really anything they can say to stop me at this point, but they need to know that I will be all set, and I won't be in Syracuse for a bit.... not that it really affects much, but I would rather have them know now, than later... ill have to talk to everyone for a bit.

Most of my friends know now, and considering I really only see most of them during the weekend anyway, it should be all good, at least they are all understanding that i need this more for the money than anything else... and hey, if i get some awesome job offer... i'm down... darn, salary... darn... insurance... darn.... spending money... please, please stop me now..... NOT!

If all else fails, I can say this: "it was a good time... I made a few bucks to make things easier for a sort while, and carried myself through the hard part of the summer...". I really think that I will be able to make this work for me, and who knows, i could meet some really cool people this way... maybe one of them would like to give me a salary... and I could even do the job i am about to go down to NYC for, part time... that would be pretty slick.

At this point, I am really excited... as I think i should be, and yes, I am still a little worried, but at this point, I am not as worried as a couple weeks ago. A few things went my way, and I should be doing at least OK for the trip down....

Anywho, that's it for now... I just gotta find a good way to tell my family.

There and Back again....

Yes, that was a blatant reference from LOTR... moving along.

Yeah, so here we go. I have an opportunity that I am really not totally sure about, but I am going to make the best of it.

I am basically going to be going on a "contract-to-hire" basis, working with Eric (my roommate) and Gary (another good guy that lived with me for a bit, and has known Eric for a while). I will be a glorified secretary... and by glorified, I mean, not only taking calls, making appointments, and responding to/with emails... but I will also be updating a few websites, and doing PDA/Blackberry support and a little implementation here and there. The two of them, plus this other person (of whom I do not know at this moment), are going to be leasing apartments (with a leasing company), and my job will be basically be on their back-end, supporting their needs, which honestly, I am totally okay with. I get paid $10/hour, and I get commission from what they get leased (which is loosely based on the website adds I update/post), my commission is a sliding scale that actually makes sense, and I get to telecommute most days... which means I chill behind my desk, at home, in my boxer shorts, and do my job. Every now and then they may need me to come out and show an apartment for them (which i will probably be entitled to a little more if it gets leased). Now, all this sounds cool right? It gets slightly better... I am going to be able to see what EVERYONE makes because I will be the one in charge of the "books". Cooler right?

And now... for the explanation of the title....

This job is in NYC. 

This is not a bad thing, it does bring back a few bad memories... but those are all because of me... gotta do what ya gotta do right?

I am obligated to be there at least 3 months... which works out okay, because if i need to cut-bait and get the hell out, I can do so before things get too horrible. There are some immediate draw backs... like the fact that my G/F will have to stay here for a bit, mainly because of the fact that I will have to have a small apartment, the other fact, is that she is anchored (loosely) by her job. The upside to that is I will be home at a minimum of every other weekend... doable.

She is worried about a lot of things, which I can understand completely. However she has not seen what I went through to get as far as I have thus far.... I know when to leave if I have to.

There are some fears I have too... one of which is, am I going to be able to make enough money to support the things I need to. The numbers line up fairly well, I am going to be staying pretty busy, but if something goes wrong, I do have a back up, which is basically, BAIL, but If shit happens too fast, will I have enough time? will I be able to get out when I need to? I am secure with Radioshack... but if I get myself into enough trouble, I may not be able to pull back out.... I got a lot of bills right now, and the reason I am going down there to make enough money to pay the bills off up here, and not to acquire enough down there to put me back in the same place.

In all theory, I should be good, the only real bills that will start down there for me is rent, power, food and metro card. rent is split 3 ways, power is split 3 ways, food is my own and metro card is my own... provided we get a cheap place (which is being worked on every day until we are ready to leave) we should be generally good to go... I am only going to bring my laptop, at least at first.

I dunno, not planning on any commission checks, things are tight, but still less tight than me being up here... there are just too many variables right now to figure out though... I don't know the costs of things.

I miss the city, but I made myself a promise... that I am breaking... that I would not go back down to NYC unless I had a solid means to support myself (like $50,000 a year). In all technicality, this job has the potential, not to mention I could just run across something really sweet whilst I'm there... the networking capabilities down there are limitless.

I guess that's it for now... I'll keep ya posted.

as of right now, my last day in the 'Cuse (Syracuse that is!) is June 15th... a week before my B'day.

Interesting updates

So yeah, I know that there are not a lot of followers to this blog and that it is mainly a place for me to rant... but as far as the situation goes... its almost identical to last year.... which is kinda fucked up, but hey... still relying on RadioShack for money, which is really, REALLY pissing me off right now.

I graduated from ITT with my Associates degree finally (this was in December of 08), and I graduated salutatorian. so now maybe its a little understandable why i am pissed.

There have been a lot of little things that have come up for opportunities for career advancement, but none of them except for 2 looked promising... both of which i am still pursuing. One change from last year, is that I finally got myself onto twitter... which you can now see to the right (you can look right now if you want), its right below my picture for the moment...

Anyway, I am going to try to post more often. there is a lot of shit going on, and i have been really REALLY busy, so you'll have to pardon me. I don't have a lot of time where i can sit down and think about nothing... oh, shit, i wanted to fix my Linux box.... well, off i go for now...