News... not exactly good news, but news nonetheless

Yeah, so I just wanted to keep all of my intrigued readers (Yeah right!) up-to-date with more "unlucky events"....

1. Laura and I broke up... there really isn't much to explain, and what I could explain, I don't want to post here, its not appropriate nor does EVERYONE I know, need to know the details. (most probably wont care anyway)

2. Work sucks... the only benefit is that we just were able to hire another person on.... PT, but whatever, its another body on the floor... and she's pretty intelligent, which in electronics retail, is nice. HOWEVER, we are still going to be loosing a FT associate on Jan 14th for school... so we need more people.

3. Okay, so something good.... ::thinks really hard:: I still have friends and family (even though I really haven't seen them in over a year, not counting the one day that I registered my car).... ::Thinks so hard he has smoke coming from his ears:: Svetty has been running well... though I do say, I still haven't re-paid my mechanic yet, as things around here have only gotten more interesting..... yeah, now my head hurts.... I'm not going to think anymore


okay, so yeah... that's it for now... onward to some music or something

Maybe every now and then, a simple answer is needed.

Yeah, I'm a guy,
Yeah, I tend to say stupid shit every now and again,
Yeah, maybe some shit really did mess me up a while back....

But ya know what, maybe I need a simple-strait answer every now and then... I can't read minds, and I don't know what offends people all the time...

Sometimes I may not choose to listen to the simple answer, but at least I do know it exists... and I know what it is. Sometimes I need to learn things the hard way.... even if the answer is staring me in the goddamn face.

But I can't learn unless I find out the answer, or unless the answer is given to me... (See: "I can't read minds")

And yes, I realize I am stubborn... like an Ox. Yes, I know I am bi-polar... like the north and south of a magnet (sometimes). And yes, I know I can be "Hard to handle" sometimes, but maybe a mutual understanding is necessary, and by this I mean, I am told the answer because I can't read minds, and in return, I try my hardest to make life easier.

If I need my space... I need my space, I don't want to piss anyone off.... and nothing is pissing me off that anyone can do anything about.... I'm bi-polar, it just happends sometimes.

If I need to be around people.... try not to shut me away.... I may not talk to much, but I do enjoy the company of others.

If I just want to hang out.... well, that's easy, I just want to hang out

If I feel the need to be in front of my computer for a while... remind me every now and then, that other things may need attention, and may be important.... (this one I know can be difficult, but I think I will understand in the long run)

AND PLEASE... if something I do pisses anyone off... sometimes you have to tell me these things... right away, after all, I can't read minds, and sometimes faces don't make it any easier.

Oh, and let me clear one thing up before I finish, and go back to bed.... Yes, this was inspired by someone.... However, THIS IS UNIVERSALLY TRUE, and is not DIRECTED at anyone. I am a little more mature than that, and sometimes I just need to get shit out. This goes for just about EVERY person I run into on a daily basis, most just don't have to deal with me all that long. :-P

Being Bi-polar drives me fucking batty

Okay, so we finally get moved in, everything relatively set up, and of course, I am pissing a LOT of people off... I tend to do that under stressful situations. ...so yeah...

I get flustered easily and all I want to do is be alone for a while.... just so I don't piss anyone off, well, most of the time I don't get the opportunity to be alone (especially under moving conditions), so I pissed Mike and his Dad off (I knew I was going to), and stayed @ the house instead of going back for more shit @ the Apartment... but yeah, I was fucking beat... I am not all that strong upper-body wise, and what they were getting was fucking heavy, and all I wanted to do is get the computer room somewhat situated (I have a LOT more computer shit than ANYONE in this house) just so I could have my little dorky safe-haven where I could stay out of the way and out of people's hair.... I HATE being in the way of other people doing shit (or getting shit done).

Okay, so that was day one... not all that bad... but I really hurt myself earlier that day, didn't really let anyone know about it until later (I think I pulled a muscle in my back)

Woke up on Day 2 (mind you, I have to work, and no one else does...), to sharp pains and aches... more so than usual, so I knew this was not going to be a good day...

Went to work, was pretty useless... came home, a little pissed because it looked like nothing got done (though I know some did), and Laura looked exhausted so of course, here I am feeling like shit, looking @ her seeing that she is a little miffed, and looking at everyone else, who looked fine and bad things just went from there.... got in a small little fight with just about everyone... and just did my own thing for a little bit, it calmed down later. Cable Internet got installed along with the Dish, and of course the installers were about as bright as a box of rocks, but we wont go there (they were here when I was not, and I am relying off of others info).


Day 3... Yeah, once again, wake up to sharp pain, not quite as bad as the day before, but it still fucking hurt like hell, now all was fairly normal I wasn't as useless @ work, I still hurt enough to not play pool though (sorry Raven), but yeah, so I get home, and all I want is to sit down for a while, and just not do anything... and I end up getting into another fight, only this time with Laura only... speaking on behalf of the whole group.... and how no one wanted to hear me bitch about how much I hurt and whatnot.

Well yes, I can admit, I was a bit of a pussy and bitching about it a bit more than I should have, but I really was in quite a bit of pain, and I know that everyone else was too... and had probably done more work than I have, but ya know what... I was still in pain and needed to vent...

I know I have been an ass lately, but part of that is my many wonderful mental disorders.... and the other part is that I just need to cope in my own way, and that is being alone, and I have YET to get that as of this moment... i am hoping to get that sometime soon, it will help...

all of this would be helped by meds, but honestly... i really need someone to talk to that is neutral... I need my damn shrink... he's great... but I owe him $125, and I haven't been able to get a hold of him either...


I want to be able to control this.... I need to be able to control this better....
I look at Laura and wish she could understand from my point.... I love her, and I feel like shit for putting her through all of this shit..... all I want is to not piss people off, and just enjoy the company of my best friends in this state without being a complete douche bag...
... more later I think.

Starting to get depressed again....

So yeah, what else is new, starting to get depressed again, which sucks, I really like this time of year, it makes me feel like I am really part of nature, and part of something a lot larger than even I can possibly imagine... dunno, it makes me feel like I am "Old" as in my soul... I dunno, its hard to really describe, but I just feel like I have been around for so long mentally, but I'm only 24 on the outside.

There's a series that describes the way I feel (I read it a lot when I was younger) its called "The Dark is Rising Sequence" by Susan Cooper. It consists of 5 books, and is classified as "Teen fantasy". Its sort of childish, but its one of those things that I really like and that I got attached to... kinda lets your imagination run wild :-). If you do end up reading the books, I feel like I am a cross between Will Stanton and Merriman (you meet Will in the second book "The Dark is Rising")

I also have a friend of mine who reminds me who I am and what I feel like... she stops in from time to time and brightens my day... if you are in NH, you should check out the renaissance fair every now and again, and you may just see her :-)

Here's a link to her personal page

-----------------------

I really just want this whole move to be over... I think I am going to be short for money, but it all depends on what kind of paycheck I get this week (which is only for 35:10... and I only got 27.50 for spiffs... goddamnit). Once again, I feel like shit because I am the weakest link right now and all I really want to do is get something that I can rely on for a bit and get myself caught up with all my bills and people I owe money to.

Not to mention (well I guess I am because here I am writing it :-P), the fact that I don't have anything planned for Laura's B'day, nor do I have any Ideas on what to get her (that I can afford)... I feel like the worst person in the world about that, and today (I know they were joking but it still bothers me) I went to Laura's work and her boss gave me shit about not having a good gift/thing planned for her. I dunno, I feel like shit because I haven't seen my friends/family in a YEAR (though I did visit my family when I went back to get Svetty inspected) and I did plan on going towards the end of October but, I couldn't get vacation time because its not allowed in golden quarter, and even if I could, we are still very short staffed at my store, so its just not going to happen. Laura has the week that I wanted to go off... which is now a good thing because we all will be moving that week, so that is helpful at least. But I still feel like shit because I am not living up to what I want.... but then again I wanted to be out of college by this point AND into my career.... wooohooo!

Horray for being a FUCKING LOSER....

All has been well....

So yeah, all has been well so far, strangely enough, though there have been some recent developments:

Mike, Mar, Laura, TJ (Laura's Current roommate) and myself have all been looking for a place together, we found a few, and we narrowed it down to one... a granite stone house, that is absolutely HUGE, with all kinds of lovely new things that were put into it (like radiant floor heat on the first floor). Well.... the landlord is a little "interesting" but all in all it seems like a good place, it seemed like it took forever to find out if we were going to get it, but... we did!

So we are going to be moving at the end of October, there goes my vacation (if I was even able to get one), but this place will be great. EVERYTHING will be divided 5 ways which should help a LOT with the utilities (Oil Heat, Electric, Satellite/Cable, Internet and each of us has a Cell). We are planning on setting up a bank account that has ALL of our names on it, and because almost everyone is on Direct Deposit, we can easily figure it out, its $87.75 /person /week for the rent ($1675.00 total) which honestly is not all that bad.

So that's 1....

Other Recent Development... Me finding a tech support job to supplement my income.... I can foot the bill for the place without a problem (especially with the Direct Deposit thing worked out), but I am kind of sick of having to borrow money from people... and I have a few things that Honestly, I need to fucking pay off (like my laptop). So yeah, I am keeping my ears open for some call-in based job where I can sit in my boxer shorts and answer phone calls all night until I need to sleep so I can get up for my real job :-). I have heard some rumors so I have applied... but I could really use the extra $$ just because of the security deposit we need on the new place... AND the funky ass way that the landlord wants his money (500 next week, the remaining $1175 on the 15Th, then by the 30Th another month's rent.... OWCH!).

Anywho... if any random person knows of any place that is looking for some tech. support via phone... drop a line



PS: Svetty is still running great... she is just in need of another oil change and a coolant flush :-)

So... all is going well... for the moment anyway.

Okay... so, I survived the week of hell that my manager went on vacation... I think I lead the store into a sales loss... and yes, it is partially my fault, I was too busy trying to make sure all the operational shit got done to be on the floor and selling.... though I did at least support my staff, but when there are only 3 people (*including myself*) plus 1 person per day from another store.... it gets a bit tiresome.

I knew what kind of work it would be to keep things right, espically with all of the things that could have happened this week. Our store is one of the 3 in the 30 store district that is going to get a re-model, which includes a bunch of things, but mainly there is a lot of prep work in our situation, that HAD to get done.... well it did... but that required me to be not so "on the sales floor" for most of the week. We got audited, and failed with a 76% (passing is 85% and higher), partially my fault, but if we didn't have help from Pat @ 1137 (who loves to do the tedious shit) we wouldn't have done that well. ANYWHO... so yeah, at least Steve didn't come back and start yelling at me (my day off was his first day back). I kinda know he wanted to because there were a few things that piled up, and a couple I forgot about, all in all.... I think I at least did okay.


So, now that all of that happiness is over... I come back to my place in concord tonight (first time in 4 days), and it is even worse than it was 4 days ago.... as far as... CLEAN. Yeah, so I immediatly start cleaning (after coming home from work mind you), and throw out 6 30 Gallon trash bags of shit, and now just sit down (an hour and a half later) to write a bit, and realize I BARELY EVEN DENTED the amount of built up shit!

I don't know why I expected this place to be clean, but I figured they would get tired of sitting in filth and get their lazy asses up and actually do something about it.... man was I wrong.... it just got worse. So earlier on last month, we all kind of had an agreement... we would have our own little sections of the apt. to clean, which kind of worked out... my area didn't get TOO horrible, and the computer room (at least my area of that) didn't get more than a few things piled up.... ::looks around:: yeah, I really can't say the same for theirs.

In other news, Svetlana is running wonderfully still... getting great gas mileage, and no more little quirks (like an "ERR" on the EDU, or some wierd brake light issue on the EDU). So thats one thing going well right now.

Laura is doing good, she's stressed because of her current living situation, but other than that, that is one more thing that is going well for me.....


Just waiting for something to go wrong here... it all seems too well.

Well, TTFN
Matt-

Update:

Okay, didn't think my mood could get any better today... but I figured out the issue with the idleing.... and FIXED it :-).

It was because I had my mechanic's JETRONIC computer (Fuel Injection/LH computer) in the car instead of mine.... I switched it out before i got some fast food... and POOF! it runs like a goddamn top.... beautiful... just fucking beautiful!

Nighters... gotta get an early start tomarrow... 11:00 - 9:15

FINALLY!

Okay.... so, good news... long time in a while.

My Saab is running!
I followed some well placed advise (Steve!), and went back to where I started from. The first thing I did, was change the fuel filter after the car had died.... well, until today, I never noticed that the line was kinked. Its such a small BLACK line *just like everything else on the bottom of the car* I didn't even notice that it was kinked... ::Takes Steve's foot off and kicks himself in the ass:: well, anyway, so my new nickname @ work is now "Fuel Line" and there were all these lovely posters all around the store today when I walked in.... (there was only one on the sales floor... on the front door) it just makes me wonder how many people went "What the fuck?!?" when they walked in :-)

But yeah, there's one minor glitch to my car running.... it doesn't like to idle now... SO! what I am going to do is put all of MY stuff that I took out, BACK into the car (the 2 computers and such) and see what happens... the only thing that I did, that may have a negative impact, was that I cleaned the Mass Airflow Sensor with Carburetor cleaner (as recommended by a Saab enthusiast) ... and I think that will correct itself with time (I hope).

And now that it is running, I can actually take it back up to my mechanic in VT, and have him figure it out if need be! Hell, I am going to build him a new computer anyway, might as well make it all in one big trip :-)

so yeah, I'm fucking psyched!
and Steve.... you were right, enjoy!
(and yes, I can admit when I am wrong)

In other news... and an update to "... And now a history...:"

I didn't really forget, but I wanted to add on one more thing that has been bothering me lately... and I don't want to edit the original post (that way anyone that actually READS my rants... aka posts :-) doesn't get thrown for a loop).

So, this issue I speak of... yeah, I haven't seen my Mom, Dad, Step mom, Step dad, and siblings for over a year now. This has been eating at me slowly, I am a bit homesick, and miss EVERYONE in NY... even my friends in NYC (whom I haven't seen in about 5 years now), Yeah, I talk to people there all the time... but I am sick of feeling like I live in NH, I want to go back so bad its killing me... but I can't get the time. I really can't afford to take my vacation time, and not to mention, its Radioshack policy to not allow paid vacation time in the 4th Quarter (it is the busiest time of year and all). Either way, I am going to have to drive back as soon as I get my car back, no matter what, my inspection was due in July... and if I don't do it soon, I am going to get a NASTY fine on the NYS Thruway, even though it really isn't my fault... but you try to explain that to a state police officer. Whether or not it is only for a day or 2, I have to get home.... and if I can take someone with me that would be good... not only can they see a little bit of where I came from, and meet my family (I have met Mike's family, Mar's family and Laura's family... yet none of them have met mine!). I would also like a road companion for moral support... that drive brings back a lot of memories that frankly, I would rather leave in the past.... and its a long enough drive anyway (about 5.5 to 6.5 hours depending on how many bathroom stops), I don't really want to have a mental breakdown on the road... it tends to end pretty badly.

So that was pretty much what I wanted to add to the other post....

In other news... I am doing an inventory tomorrow at my store... I hope all goes well, I can't remember how things went last inventory, but I can definatly say that I am NOT a morning person... and rolling out of bed tomorrow @ 5am does not sound like a good idea at the current moment. But hey, if I can get there by 630, I figure Steve and I can start slamming coffee, and as soon as I'm at least half-way alert..... on to the "Parts Drawers". The back room should be mostly counted as well as our outside storage unit by the end of business today. Cool... a little less work for us to do tomorrow.

I gotta say... all in all today was pretty good... I narrowed down my issues with my car, (at least a little bit), and even though my 20" monitor died.... sortof... I mike let me borrow his other 17" for the time being (he's borrowing my 15" for his Mac). I think I am going to see if I can figure out EXACTLY what is wrong with the monitor (blown component) I know its a power board issue... but can't tell any further than that. Damn I want a couple of 20" LCD Panels :-)... preferably 3, thatway I can take advantage of my Video Card and have one hell of a work space!

well... thats it for now... I think :-P

Svetty getting better, but still not there yet... and other car shit

OK... so today so far has been pretty good, after jaunting around town looking for a product that apparently didn't exist, I gave up and did things my way (which can sometimes be really effective, but others... well, not so much).

I went around looking for a fuel pressure testing gauge, a few brass hose fittings, and some clamps (not really a big deal... or so I thought). Apparently, the way that I was instructed how to check fuel pressure, is obsolete. What I know, is to cut the fuel line right next to the fuel rail (for injectors)/ carburetor pop a brass "T" in the line, put another hose off from the "T" and hook up the gauge, and crank the engine over and see what kind of pressure you have....

WELL, not so anymore... according to almost everyone I talked to today, there should be a valve on the fuel rail that you can "just tap right into" with the little kit they sell for 39.99.... yeah, NO. There is no fucking little valve, I have checked a few times... so kind of depressed, I got some dunkin donuts (aka, DI-DO's :-) ), and thought about it for a little bit. There is a bolt on the left side of the engine (if viewed from the front of the car), that attaches to the fuel pressure regulator, and the fuel return line. SO... if all things are well, there SHOULD be pressure behind this bolt. So I take my socket wrench, and a pair of sunglasses (to shield myself from gasoline @ 30-35 psi) and break the bolt loose.... nothing happens.... so I take the bolt OUT... peer into the fuel rail..... to see just a little bit of gas, with ABSOLUTELY no pressure behind it. So I crank the engine over a bit, let some pressure build and then repeat... once again, NO fuel pressure...

So, in conclusion, there is almost no doubt in my mind right now that the fuel pump is the cause of the no start.

I also did something else today, I swapped the DI/APC computer and the JETRONIC computer back to mine that way if she does start, it will be with MY computers... and I can DISTINCTLY hear the DI Cassette doing its "Shower of Sparks" after I key-off the ignition and pull out my key..... that makes me happy, at least I know the DI that Chris (my wonderful mechanic) gave me to test works.... and it also tells me that MY DI/APC computer works.... YAY!

Anyway, I still don't know how to actually remove the fuel pump, I can get to it through the back hatch... it has an access panel (which I imagine this makes things a little easier), but to actually remove it.. yeah, I need some instructions or something. The shitty part about that, is that there are 2 different fuel pumps that were used in that model year, and they are VERY different in price and connections. One is about $400-$600 (Bosch) and the other is $150-$250 (Wurst), and they are NOT interchangable. I really don't even care how much they are, but its just a matter of whether or not that will solve all the problems... I think it will... like I said, there is VERY little doubt in my mind that it won't but there is still a little bit.

Subject change... (sorta):

Even though I need new rear speakers in the car, I sat down for a little bit turned on the stereo, and cranked it :-). That is definatly one thing I miss about Svetty the most.... she sounds freakin magnificent, not a lot of power, no extra amps or subs or anything... just a bit of my tuning (which is border-line professional if I do say so myself :-) ) and a good selection of classical and modern music. I can't wait 'til she is running again, and that is one of the many reasons (and is fairly high up there too). I drive anywhere from 75-120 miles per day, and I really don't mind listening to the radio, but I REALLY have to get my girlfriend a good antenna (hers broke) and possibly a halfway decent head-unit (maybe with a CD player... or even a tape deck that works!)... not just because I am a nice b/f, but because if I am going to borrow her car for much longer (hopefully not... but hey, ya never know), I might get a case of road rage and snap and kill someone..... (j/k...... maybe :-) )


anyway... enough of that.... moving along....

...And now, the history of the past few months:

Ok, so it's not tomorrow... its technically the day after... I know, but my sleep schedule is FUBAR (and I work second shift mostly).

Okay, starting somewhere in mid-June:
I go out to a bar with my girlfriend (Laura), to have a night out for once because we get rarely get to spend anytime together, I decide to drive. We get there, park in her father's business parking lot which is across the street, go in, I meet a few people that she knows (including her sister Mary) and play some pool. I run into a friend (which is strange because I thought I didn't know anyone there) we chill for a bit, enjoy a few beers and enjoy the music and company.

Later on that night, as Mary is a bit too shitfaced to drive, Laura and I offer to drive her back to her place. So we go back to my car, about go go pick Mary up, and it doesn't start. My car (whose name is "Svetlana", Svetty for short) is a 1991 Saab 9000 (non-turbo) 5-speed manual, that I recently (*March*) had a newer engine installed (due to a timing chain tensioner failure, and chain breakage). This is VERY uncharacteristic of her, I have learned a bit about Saabs, and I know strange things can happen from time to time. NOW, there had been a growing problem with pick-up lately, I changed the ORIGINAL air cleaner, and it got better, so I had picked up a fuel filter, and just hadn't put it in yet. So I decide to do so.... its 1am and here I am laying under my car, changing a fuel filter. So I get that changed, and crank on the engine, to no avail, still wont start. I reluctantly give up after a while, take my friend for an offer and get a ride back to Laura's place.

Next morning I go out, meet Laura's dad, and tell him that my car is at his place in the parking lot (he doesn't seem to phased) and he offers to take a look at it with me, he's a bit of a car buff. So we go out, bash our brains for a bit, and come up with a few conclusions. Now, with my car, we didn't have a good way to check spark, due to the fact that starting in 1988 or so, Saabs went to primarily a DI cassette (Direct Ignition). This means there is no rotor, no distributor cap, not one coil.. 4 coils, and no spark plug wires. If you don't know what that means, don't worry about it, its just more complicated than a typical system (and IMHO a better system). ANYWAY, so I call the Saab tech that worked on my car (whom is in VT), and tell him what happened, we came to a few conclusions and he sent me some parts.

SO, I get these parts... a new DI Cassette, A Crank Position Sensor (CPS), and a tool to de-tension and re-tension the serpentine belt.... gotta love the special tool. Mic (aka Mike. my roommate, who is pretty damn good with cars) had never seen a system like this, but helped me install the new CPS. We cranked on the engine, to no avail again... now we'd changed the DI Cassette first, and nothing happened, THEN we changed the CPS... as the CPS is something we have to really fight to get to (it involves a lot of torque to remove the harmonic balancer/main crank pulley). so I send my tech back his working DI Cassette, as they are about $250 USED... and pay him for the crank sensor.

Right here, at the beginning of July, is where my car sits... out in BUMFUCK Egypt otherwise known as Moultonboro NH... yeah, exactly, for about 3 weeks before I can afford to tow it back to Concord where I am currently staying. During this time period, I loose my ENTIRE ring of keys... which if you know me, you realise how goddamn impossible it truly is. I find that there are only a few keys on that ring that I cannot live without... one of which is my Saab key.... I have to order it through a dealership, how fucking annoying, the other is my store key, which is un-duplicatable... as in NO BLANKS exist... aka, MEDICO lock.

So I get my car here, and now I have the opportunity to actually diagnose some shit... I have all my tools, and all the resources of the Internet, and a Saab service center close by (which turns out, they are FUCKING USELESS... and treat you like shit unless you got a lot of money to blow at their dealership, or you order a key). So I get my key finally, and now I am able to actually TRY to start my car, this is a good thing.

Now we sit here I have currently to date changed these things in chronological order:
- Air Filter (improved pick up)
*** Svetty Dies ***
- Fuel Filter
- Crank Position Sensor
- DI Cassette
- JETRONIC Computer (aka LH Computer. Fuel Injection)
- DI/APC Computer (aka DI computer. Engine Ignition Control module)
- Battery (the old one is DEAD.... won't hold a charge)

At this point, the car is now stuttering... like it wants to start, but something just isn't right. I think now there is a fuel pressure issue.... and I really don't want to fork over $400 for a damn fuel pump.

NOW this is just one of the many issues that I have been having in these past few months.

One of the others is the fact that I am borrowing Laura's car, and have been since I have been without mine. Which I am a very proud person, and a very stubborn one as well (I like to say... tenacious... it sounds more elegant :-) ), and it hurts to depend on someone so much... espically when its someone you care about. This, amongst many other reasons, is why my and my last girlfriend (Carla) of almost 5 years broke up... and as stupid as it sounds, that is something I REALLY don't want to be the cause of another break up.

Another issue that has been going on, is that well, I work at radioshack... not the greatest of jobs in the world, but I like it, I have for a really long time, don't get me wrong here, there are days that I just need to strangle everyone that walks through the door, but that happens to everyone (right??). The fact that I work there is not the issue, the issue is, right after Svetty died, they moved me to my comfortable little store in Somersworth NH, to the Concord Steeplegate store. Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing... espically considering that I COULD make more money there. Now, FYI: I am a trained Assistant Manager, but I am not CODED as an Assistant Manager in the computer system, so I am not PAID as an ASM, nor am I OFFICALLY an ASM (which is annoying, because I do ALMOST all the work that I should be doing). There were a lot of good things about me moving to the store, and some not-so-good things, but I was being a team player and going along with it, just hoping I would be promoted. Until Radioshack in Hookset closed. It is Radioshack Corporate policy: If a closing store manager is moved in the company than he MUST be granted an Assistant Manager Position... ergo: I'm out the fuckin job, at least at that store... so within the same 30 day period I move back to Somersworth, only to find everyone FAR too stressed out, and the place almost completely changed. Now there is a freeze on the ASM position, so NO ONE can get promoted to it until the freeze is removed, or another ASM in the district is demoted/promoted. The worst part is, that I can't even bitch at anyone to change that... it would make no difference, so I just have to SUCK IT UP and fucking deal. Yeah, that's number 2... sorry about the long-windedness

Another issue of mine, is that I have been un-medicated for about a year now, and I know my roommates are probably really pissed about that (according to them I get very pissy and bitchy at times). And I really want to see my psych again soon... I kinda left at an awkward stage in our therapy and I hope he thinks that it is not his fault (thats funny... I'm not supposed to be saying to my psych "its not your fault"). But yeah, so I am a pain in the ass to live with... all I can think about is not pissing anyone off, and trying to stay clean... and maybe, JUST MAYBE spending time with Laura.... as I sit here, she is in the other room, watching a movie with my roommates.... Oh yeah, I want to establish right now: My roommates, are Mic (aka mike) and Mar (aka Marlena). Mic I met in college, and mar is his girlfriend. They have been awesome to me... they kind of pulled me out of a situation that would have gotten pretty shitty, in a big hurry, and they are charging me a small amount to actually live here with them (which I have been a delinquent with lately). but yeah, i need a few bucks before I can talk to my psych again, but it is a priority.

... There are a lot of issues with me lately, but honestly most of them stem from me not having MY car... no time with Laura, though that may not change, but at least she would have some freedom.

One of the worst things though, is having everyone you know telling you "You should sell the car!". Yes, my mechanic agreed that we could probably work something out with me to trade him my car, and he would get me a different one, and I know I get VERY attached to cars... but damnit, it is the first one that I have bought and didn't get because it was someone elses piece of shit that they gave me just so I could get around or because they felt bad for me... I bought this car to have for a while... and yes, I am having some HORRIBLE luck with it... but I really think once I figure this shit out, that it is going to be good to me for a long while... as long as I can do the maintenance. I am REALLY sick and fucking tired of people telling me what I should fucking do... if I want to sell the fucking car, I will sell the fucking car... but I FUCKING REFUSE TO DO SO until I have exhausted EVERY last resource, and I am coming close yes, but I am not there yet, nor am I prepared to sell my car, because I have to drive back to Syracuse New York (that's where I am from, and where my family is, and where my insurance provider is) to register, inspect and insure my car. NOT TO MENTION, I really don't want to have to think of another name for a car right now... its a sentimental thing. :-(. So...what have we learned here.... I am sensitive about my cars, so leave me be until I am good-goddamn-ready to admit defeat or give up... not to sound like an asshole, but its not just people that are close to me that are doing it, between random people and random friends.... and if you are one of those people that I don't know all that well, telling me what to do with my life.... I'll spell this out for you: G-O F-U-C-K Y-O-U-R M-O-T-H-E-R.... k anyway....

And last but actually... this one should be first... I have not had enough time with Laura.... and there is really no one to blame... we don't have simalar days off... and when we do, we just are so tired from work we don't do anything together, and if its not that, its the fact that we are both so damn poor, we cant afford to go anywhere but home, or around town. The worst part is that there is no one to really blame for any of it. its not like either of us can afford to move or not work one more day a week. All I can really hope for, is that WHEN my car is running again, and Laura has her car back, she can come down every now and then.... ::Looks around a bit:: maybe after we clean up here a little bit.... good goddess... I really just want to start a fire in here *after I take out our computers* and start over.... maybe some hardwood floors ;-)

anyway I think that will work for tonight.

A preface....

So yeah, you read the title, and think... damn thats depressing... well... generally I will be posting when things are either really bad, or really good, much like a lot of my friends.

As a preface, I am bi-polar, which will explain how things are with me :-) up and down like a damn rollercoaster. I personally hate myspace... and yet here I am posting. I guess its more of a drama thing... I know of WAY too much stuff going down on myspace constantly, and frankly, I don't like the format. I also like random people commenting, and you can't (as far as I know) do that on myspace.

Just for reference, I work @ radioshack, I live in NH, and came from NY... there will be more explanation as needed.

Thats pretty much about it for a preface... I guess.

Onward to my day-
So during this past week, my emotions have been pretty up and down, I am running my store for about 3 days (nothing major), and of course by doing so, EVERY complicated customer transaction/problem must arise.... its a given. But the thing that I feel the worst about, one of the guys I have worked with in my store
since I have been there, whom I lived with for about 6 months, and has been present for some of the harder times in my life (at least as of late), lost his grandmother tuesday, he was close to her, which really sucks, he having a bunch of problems at home, most of which he won't talk about... but thats okay. But the really painful part, is that he announced his 2 week notice about 3-4 days ago, I'm going to loose a SOLID co-worker (ie. he's trained, and damn good at his job when he really tries), a good friend, and well... all I can do is hope for the best for him.

So aside from worrying about him, I have to worry about a store to run... I luckily am good a messing with a schedule, so I managed to give him 3 days off in a row, and not hurt anyone else... damn i'm good (flash of sarcasm there).

thats it for the day.... there is too much to post in one entry, and it would probably confuse a lot of people if I did. So.... I shall post tomarrow, with a bit of history of what has gone on with me for the past few months.