I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things about myself. I have a lot of bad habits, none of them too big by themselves, but they add up pretty quickly. I guess we all have bad habits of some sort… we just don’t always notice them.
My biggest problem, that most of my bad habits come from, is my lack of self-confidence. I can see it in almost everything I do, every day. There are very few things that it doesn’t affect, my technical capabilities is one of them. I have to be good at what I do or I would not have come this far, and I am not afraid to admit my own weaknesses in the field, because the best thing that can come from admitting them, is learning, and then gaining a strength.
I need to figure out a way to do this in the other aspects of my life; my relationships with people, friends, family and lovers. I guess I just don’t know where to begin. Right now, I’m pretty angry, at a few people, but the worst anger right now I saved for myself. I’m angry because I didn’t really stand up in a situation where I probably should have. I don’t really want to go into specifics because I try to make it a point to not go to bed angry. The majority of the issue right now can be traced back to the fact that I don’t have very much self confidence and I feel like I have been stripped of who I am.
I have said this to a few people, and now I will put it out there on the web: I feel impotent.
I feel like I have no balls, no manhood, nothing.
Part of the reason for that is simple. I have no method of transportation other than Centro bus, and my own 2 feet… and the occasional friend who drops me off from work, and whom I go out with. But I have to ask for favors constantly… and yeah, I’m proud enough where that hurts… a lot.
The other reasons why I feel so impotent, is that I feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. A few years ago, I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted, and I really didn’t have too many people to answer to. NOW, I can’t do anything… because I can’t really go out, I can barely survive with all the bills I have, how I manage that still amazes even me, and all I can think of is getting out of my living situation.
I’d love to hit the lotto, keep my job, go back to school, and just be fucking happy, or at least happier… money can’t buy happiness, I know… but goddamnit it can make it a lot fucking easier to get there. Maybe I can get some professional help again… I really did like that, and maybe some meds if necessary… everyone seems to dream big when they hit the lotto… I don’t. I just dream of having no bills, living in a nice little house, having some companionship, and going to work during the week… but not having to worry about bills. That’s it. No “life stressors” none… the only stress I would have would be basically self-induced or something that I caused or someone else caused that directly affects me….
That would make me happy… but ya know what, I’ve learned to see the reality, and as sad as it sounds, I know if I hit the lottery for some stupid amount of money, that like the day I got the money (yeah I’d take it out all at once), I would get hit by a car and killed… because that seems to be my life… or better yet, the person I love gets run over by a bus or something stupid and horribly depressing to even imagine…. Because that’s what it seems like lately
Wow, that took a turn for the dark… sorry… I guess that’s what I get for writing when I am angry, depressed, lonely, and bored…
Anyway, back to my lack of self confidence… yeah, don’t really know where to start. I think I need to find an area in my life that I can just start standing up more. Problem. I know there is probably one or more people I will hurt by doing this, and I’m too fucking nice to do it…
Any help would be appreciated, but not expected because I am keeping things far too vauge.
Thanks for listening to me whine…
I think I need a fucking hug right now… not a beer (as much as I love beer).
Matt-
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