okay, here's the low down... once again, this is mainly just for me to rant.
I recently (January-ish) broke up with Raven, some say it was a long time coming, but whatever, I made a mistake, and I hid my own feelings from myself, and kept pushing them deeper and deeper until i thought they went away... no they were still there but they were just waiting for the worst possible time to come out.
This was probably the biggest mistake I have made. I normally pride myself on how honest I am, sometimes even if it hurts. But I'm human and I can fuck up too.
I am not really going to talk about why it was one of the worst times possible, not everyone in the world needs to know this stuff.... but I will say that to this day Raven does not want to believe the reason above. I hid my feelings, and my feeling of being trapped in a relationship, that I wasn't really sure about, from the moment she moved in with me. I tried to block it out of my head, and just suck it up... it did work, for almost 2 years. When she first came up to Syracuse to live with me and Eric, things were a little weird, she was pretty awkward, didn't have any friends, so I introduced her to all of my long time friends. Everyone was nice, but not everyone got along with her. This is normal, not only do I have a strange collection of friends, who don't always get along with people, but Raven is a strange chick, not everyone is going to get along, but we can all play nice. We are all adults (for the most part).
So for the first few months she didn't really have a job (mostly temping)... okay, shit happens... so I did the thing I do so well... I supported her, on my crappy income, yeah it sucked, but whatever, I care. She eventually got out of the temp stuff... which was good, cuz that stuff is never steady enough, and got into being a waitress. Now, one of my good friends was waiting tables with her @ IHOP (my main hangout) and things from time to time were pretty stressful, and there was always Drama (there always is... this is how it goes there). My friend eventually left IHOP, she was moving away to another area of the state, so Raven leaves. There's more to it, but basically Raven was worried about the other waitresses there having some sort of grudge against her and ousting her or having her fired.... semi-rational thought... they can be mean, I don't think it would have gone that far, but I have been wrong before. So she goes to another place we like to go... a little diner, mom and pop kinda place. Because she really still likes waiting tables, which is great. that works OK for a couple months, there is a little drama, but not much it was physically hard on her and a bit of a mental drain. Eventually she gets fired... don't remember the circumstances, I remember it was kind of a raw deal though.... keep in mind I'm in school, working at RadioShack, and doing construction/landscaping on the side.... I'm busy....
So on to the last job she has before this most. I am not going to mention the name, because the place doesn't even deserve that. She started off at this company as a phone sales person... then moved to a glorified secretary (not my words), then a little bit of everything.... they for the most part, are one of the worst companies to work for in the Syracuse area (not like I knew before hand), they do tech support, and they have one of the worst reputations. They treat their people like crap..... and the shittiest thing is, she couldn't find something that paid better... put up with all the crap that this company gave her.... and finally does find something and boom.... a bunch of crap from me gets dumped on her.... (at least that's how I picture she pictures it)
This is important that I mention, because throughout most of this time, it was me and her that were supporting all 3 people that were living in my place... Eric's money, at least a not-so-fair chunk, gets taken away by child support and alimony... long story short... he pays way too much and can’t get the amount adjusted because he can't seem to save his money to have a lawyer look at it. So through all of this crap that she is going through, I have my own battles, keep the bills paid and the people happy with what little money that Raven and I can come up with just so we can have a roof, and power, and maybe some outside communication devices. Fun.
SO, throughout most of this I am stuck.... I can't leave her because I'm not happy, not only would I not be able to support myself, but she would be up shit creek... where the fuck is she gonna go? Nowhere that I can see other than the street, or maybe find some friends..... that aren't mine...... to move in with. yeah... not so much. At least this is my thought process. She didn't really mention too many people from work that would even think about that shit... so yeah, that's basically what I was thinking. This is why I feel trapped for almost 2 years... I cannot seem to drive this point home enough. Between me working 2 jobs barely able to make my own bills and portion of the rent, and her working whatever job she was in at the time, we were able to scrape by every month... which puts a lot of external stress on the relationship.
The other big stressor of the relationship was the little things... they all add up to big things... minor annoyances, and character flaws (I know, I have a lot too!). These normally aren't that bad because people tell me if I'm being a douche or whatever (at least some times). It seemed like whenever I would say something (as often as I could... in private), it would be honored for about a week or so, then the behavior would slowly make its way back into everyday life again... until I said something again, rinse and repeat.
The next part that I am going to talk about, isn't meant to bash or hurt... it’s just how I see it, and well, this is my blog, and everything is from my fucking perspective anyway... so yeah:
Now, I want to say something here, I'm not talking about shit like, "wow you chew really loud" (which does bother me from time to time). I'm talking about things like "do you know you try to constantly upstage people, even in just a simple conversation?" I actually developed a name for this... and because I'm a geek an acronym to match, "Great Uncle Copernicus" syndrome... it goes like this: whenever you have been involved in something cool, She would come up with something even cooler or say "I have a friend *insert name here* who does that too... only he does it this way".... or "My *insert relative here* used to do that too!". GUC syndrome, constant upstaging. This not only annoyed me, but it annoyed EVERY one of my friends, whom a fair amount were also her friends. This stopped COUNTLESS conversations in their tracks, and completely derailed a-many-a train of thought. Sometimes it’s fun to do, but every time there is a good conversation, it’s not so fun. This by far if there are any character flaws is the one that bothered me the most. And she knew it, and hopefully still knows it, not for my benefit, but for her own.
Now, just to say this, she is not the only person I know that has GUC syndrome... I have a few other friends that do this... but generally not to the extreme that she does.
Back to the updating- type-thing:
At the time of this writing, we actually both work at the same place, close to the same hours. This makes things interesting, I don't really have a problem with separation between work life and home life, but I know that is hard to do for a lot of people to do. Personally I have no issue separating these things because I had to do it for so long with Eric. If I couldn't do that with him, someone probably would have ended up bloody or hurt in some other way.
Thankfully we don't have to see each other every day; we do have different days off (at least right now) which is helpful. But it’s pretty crappy to discuss personal, relationship-type shit at work, whether it involves me, or it’s just to talk to me about it. I don't like mixing work and home life... and I don't like being talked about, on a personal level with anyone else in that establishment, especially while IN the establishment. That bothers me, and I don't care what the reason is... it shouldn't happen, there is ABSOLUTELY NO reason for it.
Sorry, got a little upset there. The reason for that is simple. When I was in a different department than Raven, after 8 days of training, I got my cube. Once the next bunch of people came in (Raven got pulled from a different dept.) they got their own cubes, Raven's cube was right across the row (a whopping 5 feet) from mine. No big deal, the moment she figured out where she was sitting, she had it moved, to the other side. Okay, no problem, I still wanted to be friends and she knew that. NOW, today (Thursday/Friday.... it takes me a while to write this stuff) she had it moved to the other side of the office (I don't have to go over there for much).
As a side note, for the past week, we have been going back and forth a bit. Little snide comments here and there, maybe a little scorn... nothing big, until Monday or Tuesday (my days blend together, somewhere around the 15th). When you start an argument with me, there are a few things you want to understand.
I don't like raising my voice, it’s not necessary
I don't like arguing in public, it’s embarrassing
I don't like repeating myself, it’s annoying
and I cannot FUCKING stand it, when people do not listen to me.
Aside from the first... she made me break every rule. The only reason the first one didn't break is because I like my job.
Matty got mean, because why? Because she made my break my own rules. Did I call names, kind of; I stated how she was acting very bluntly, maybe a little too bluntly, but she wasn’t listening and I got frustrated, so I got mean and very short with her. Do I regret anything I said? No, absolutely not. Do I think I was being a little harsh? Not really, maybe for some, but I really think it needed to be said, just the way it was said.
I don’t mean to sound vague, but I don’t need details out in the open, the people that need to know, do.
ANYWAY… So I go in today (Thursday the 18th) it’s the start of my day, it ends on Friday at 02:30), I get Kudos at work (which is always cool), but from the higher-ups, the really higher-ups! YAY! When I go in, I have to go past Raven’s cube, sometimes I say hi, sometimes I don’t, she appeared to be on the phone when I walked by, and had someone over at her desk… not my place to bother her/them, they could be in the middle of a troubleshooting session. So I just go to my desk, and hang out for a few minutes before logging into my computer and the phone system. I have a small headache, so I just keep my little light off, and zone out for a minute or 2. My boss comes over and tells me that the higher-ups were there the day I had off, and recognized my performance as a great peer to my peers because of the tech support I provide to them. That starts the day out nicely. I then get onto a call that by the time I’m done, the lady wants to talk to my boss and tell them how awesome I am… keeps on rolling my day up… but what I am noticing while I am on the phone with this really nice lady, is that Raven is having this discussion with a couple of the bosses, not just one. And this is basically when she moves her desk over to the other side of the room office.
At this point I wonder… what was said, hopefully nothing personal, because not only does that REALLY piss me off, but that is one of the most unnecessary things I have ever heard of. NOW, I know something was said because there are a few more people that know that Raven and I were a couple at one point. The REAL question here is: Why the fuck is it necessary to move her cube to the other end of the office? What the hell did she have to say to them to just up and move her shit?
Okay, so that’s the not-so-briefing, on to the title of this entry… I wonder… What the fuck am I doing with my life!?!
So there have been a lot of changes in the past few months. After I left Raven, for a little bit got interesting… as in difficult, but I made it work. I will say this, there is someone else in my life now, and that is part of the reason why Raven thinks that I am lying about why I broke up with her. That’s frankly not the case, as I BEAT like a dead horse above. It’s just a part of the whole, WORST TIMING EVER, but it happened that way, and well, I can’t change it now, nor would I want to. I think it happened for a reason, much like everything else in my life.
I have to do a lot of soul searching, and I have been, but I still have far to go. Over the past probably 6-8 years I have been repressing a lot of myself, holding back on a lot of things that I am saying and doing. Some of this is normal, some of it is not. Almost no one knows me for who I am anymore and honestly, there was a lot of shit that even Carla never saw, let alone Laura then Raven. About September of last year is when I really started seeing a lot of horrible habits that I have. Some of these things I would have seen eventually, but it may have been far too late to correct them. And others, I may not have seen at all.
This is when I really started to get depressed, and detached, no one saw it. I hide things pretty well, I learned how to as a kid, hide my emotions, so I don’t upset people.
No one wants to see you cry, and no one cares if you’re sad except Mom. And making Mom sad isn’t good, and if she sees you sad, that will make her sad... These are my thoughts as a child. Now some of you may understand me a little better.
Around the time when I figured out how to hide my emotions, I also figured out how to lie… really well. Apparently I am a natural liar. Lying became a habit. Why? Because I could make up my own little world, and make everything happy, just the way I wanted it.
It took until I was about 16-17 years old to break that habit. To this day I very rarely lie. Now, I may conceal things, which is a type of lying, but I NEVER falsify anything anymore unless I am protecting life or limb of someone else. Even if I were to conceal something, I would only do so until asked about it, simple, I know that sounds guilty, but the fact is, most of the time, I won’t even do that.
Example (let’s start beating the dead horse again!):
The most recent happening of anything close to that, involves the new person in my life, and Raven “not knowing” about all the details. The reason was simple why I didn’t tell her, if I don’t want information out in the open, I won’t talk about it. If I don’t talk about something doesn’t mean I’m concealing it, it just means that I’m not talking about it. I don’t need my personal business out for everyone that I have ever known and cared about to see in the light of day, I may actually want privacy… OH NO! NOT THAT!
Now, was it just privacy I wanted? No. I would prefer not to mentally bash someone completely and look like I’m a fucking 12 year old taking out revenge, and it’s just overall douchbaggery.
Goddamnit, sorry, keep getting off topic… back to me being repressed…
Anyway, so while I am trying to figure shit out in my head, I go back to RadioShack for work over the holidays. Meet a really cool person there who I can just kind of talk to about hypothetical shit. (as in not letting on to what kind of shit that is actually going through my mind about my own life, while actually doing it)
This is good, it’s kind of like therapy, kind of one sided, but I figure a few things out, just by talking to this person, or maybe just talking in general. During one of these sessions, I figure out something, I have been repressing my feeling of being trapped for almost as long as I have been in the relationship. I also start remembering what I used to be like and feel like a lot of the time… and I then realize I haven’t really been myself in a very long time.
After that, nothing was the same. I started looking at a lot of parts of my life. I started re-evaluating things, everything. My living situation, my work situation, what I want to do with my life, who my friends are and who I was with. This was probably one of the most difficult times. I didn’t like what I had been living in/with, I still kinda don’t… but I’m working on it. I didn’t like the LACK of money I was making… so I got different job, yeah, it’s nothing special, but I can have some fun, and feel good at the end of most days. As far as what I want to do with my life… I have goals, I’m not too close to them, but I am one step closer. As far as who my friends are, I have a lot of friends, and there are a few that I don’t really care what they think or do anymore, they were never too close to begin with. And well, who I was with…. Yeah, pretty much what the bulk of this blog entry is about… that had to change…. (commence re-beating of the dead horse!) I wasn’t happy, I was never really happy since she came up here. I lied about my feelings to try to get through. I was put into a situation where I couldn’t leave due to financial issues on her part and on mine. I feel like the relationship was built on almost nothing… we HAD a lot in common. But I go long times without playing games or going out… I’ve been in that kind of mode now for a while; I don’t feel like associating with people, I don’t really feel like going out with my friends… I just want to get my car back on the road (I’ll go into details on that in a later entry) and drop off the face of the planet for a while… that’s it. It’s just that simple. Oh, and maybe get more caught up with my bills.
Now I am seeing someone else, this is part of the reason why the whole break up thing came at a bad time. This person is living with me right now; this is purely out of necessity, the fact that I am a nice guy, and the fact that I am co-dependent on people. Her name is Nichole. She is the same person I was talking to when I went back to RadioShack about what was going on in my head. She knows the whole story (or at least everything that came out of my side, she knows a little on Raven’s too). Now, frankly what I do with my life is my own. I really do care for Nichole, I don’t care what people think of me for saying that, and I say people because I mean EVERYONE. I do wish that right now we could find a place where she could stay and be able to have her little kiddo over (she has a child… to be clear), and have all of the amenities that one would need. Right now that is not possible, she needs to save a bunch and have a few other things squared away first. I want her to be comfortable. But I also want her to have a place where she can call her own again; I know what that feels like not to.
As far as things go, that’s pretty much the not-so-brief summary. There are a lot of other things going on at the moment, but this one seems to be occupying most of my time. I try pretty hard to keep things emotionally subdued in my blogs, people don’t need to see whiney bitchy stuff, not like I do that anyway, but I need to vent in writing sometimes. This entry did take me almost a week to write… as some of the dates suggest. Everything is said for a good reason. I don’t care who reads this, in fact I would like everyone I know to read this so that way they know my reasons and story for doing what I have been doing lately, which is pretty much not talking to anyone, working my ass off, and sleeping, and spending the fleeting moments in between all of those with Nichole, one of 2 Chris’s and Tom.
At any rate, I hope this explains a few things, and if not… oh well, I tried. See ya soon.
Matt-
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