The Crash.

So, things are at least fairly consistently going now, I'm not going to say very well, but I can't say that things are horrible... so we'll say mediocre, I like that word anyways... its always brought up such interesting imagery.

So I have had an interesting last few days, and they have posed a lot of questions. So I'll pose some questions at my probably single reader... (there may be as many as 3.... which is fine!).

My question to all:

If in theory, a car was going to crash, this point you could not stop, and lets say no matter what, you are still going to get injured (we won't say dead, that's a little too morbid).

If you were standing on the side lines, and had 2 choices (and only 2), would you choose to either:

A) Stand on the sidelines watching

OR

B) Get into the car to try to steer it as best you could... remember the above

This is my question. I am currently sitting at a point, with good arguments for either side (if this person was me). The crappy part is that basically nothing you do, necessarily changes the outcome of how bad the injuries are, you are still going to get hurt, but would you rather basically feel like you are in control, or stand aside and let things happen... but the fact that you are making a decision on the previous states that in some way, you are still in control.....

And no matter what, you're still going to get hurt.

This question I thought up could be a metaphor for a lot of things, infact, the more I think about it, the more applicable it becomes. So, in my particular situation, its about money... nothing else, at least at this point.

It just makes me wonder, I honestly just made this question up while I was riding home, how many people have thought of things just like this?

Anyway, feel free to comment... I'll try to check back soon.

Random thought: This post should mess with the google adwords a bit!

And on, and on and on....

So to no apparent surprise, I'm depressed again... I'm starting to notice a serious pattern here I think I just get depressed around my birthday... or I do stupid shit around my birthday to make me depressed.... some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate that crap. ANYWAY...

So a little update on things, my life hasn't really gotten any more complicated, Ive just gotten older and far more tired of stupid fucking jobs that I basically waste my life at, and feel almost no satisfaction from. I want to start a business but I'm at a point where I'm kinda scared, partially because of the economy, and where I want to put it may not work out too well... and I don't want to fail at something else. The other major reason I'm scared is because I look at the numbers, do the math and sit there and say, I really can't afford for it to fail, but almost NO ONE will even begin to give some jackass like me a loan, especially without a business degree.

I dunno... I'm just depressed about a lot of shit lately.

I'm really scared that my current relationship is going to fall apart.... without much rhyme or reason behind my statement. I work nights, and she works days, we barely see each other at this point, and our days off are TOTALLY different, we used to at least share a day off together. I hate that feeling where I can feel things breaking down, but I can't put my finger on why... so then my brain just makes shit up... then blows it out of proportion. This is one of those times right now where I can say I really care about someone and don't want to hurt them, but at the same point, I could really understand if they don't want to be with me.

I want to fucking be happy, or at least have more moments in my life where I am not worrying about stupid crap that probably isn't even there.

I want some financial stability, I don't care about being wealthy, I just want to pay my fucking bills on time, and in full.... I'm better off than I was about a year ago... but not much better. I feel like I'm running in place, and only loosing momentum. I had a good thing going for me in my previous position. I was a Tier 3 (basically) technical support rep, that got promoted to a supervisory position, I wasn't making serious bank, but I was making more than a fair amount of my friends (not that it matters, just a basis of comparison), and I was, more importantly, starting to make some headway on my bills. Then my program closed, and they wanted me over in another program, but I basically took a pay cut and a demotion... back to the phones.

I'm tired of this goddamn grind, I don't even care about being my own boss, I just want to work someplace, doing something that I can find rewarding, and I would like to be at least properly compensated. Shit, its like I'm asking for the moon here.

I feel like severing all my ties, bringing only the things and people that are VERY close to me, and living off the land in the mountains somewhere... this is how frustrating it is for me. But the fucked up part is, I can't even do that, because of how much I owe in student loans... they'll come and find me.

I dunno I think I'm gonna go kill pixels for bit, more writing later.

I got my answer

Well, it looks like I got my answer to the question I asked.... it was not the one I wanted... but I guess in some ways the one I needed.

Someone really cool once said to me:
"Don't forget, it always gets darkest right before it gets pitch black"

He was right.... I think its pitch black now..... now what?

Update: The Move and Decision

For the past 2 months I have been looking for a place to stay, and I found a few nice ones, but nothing really stood out. About 3-4 weeks ago I found a nifty little place, and put in the application… I didn’t hear anything back for a while, until about 2 weeks ago. The landlord said I got approved, and needed more info. So I sent the info requested, and heard nothing for about another week. I then heard that everything went through okay, and now on to the more complicated part… getting the security deposit and rent, and squaring my other bills away so I don’t have to worry about super amounts of debt within a week or so of me moving in… moving sucks enough as is… and I didn’t need any more worries to go along with it. So after having a few very heartfelt conversations with various members of my family… I managed to get everything squared away.

I now am the proud renter of a new place! YAY!

So yeah, I’m now on my way to moving to a new place… moving is really stressful as it is, but all things considered, I’m more stressed than normal. There is a decision pending; one that is not mine to make, but one that affects the outcome of a few decisions that are mine to make…. Luckily the other decisions aren’t too important, but being on the fence about the big decision is making things very difficult to deal with for me.
Up until most recently I was fairly sure about the outcome. Now, I don’t know anymore, and not knowing hurts me the most. The unknown seems to be a problem that everyone has… sometimes it’s just something that you deal with simply… other times it eats away at you until you do know… and then there are the few times that the questions go unanswered… this is why we don’t know whats out there in the universe for us… we’re trying to find the answer, and for some people it deeply disturbs them to not know the answer, but this for me, is much more down to earth… lucky for me, I may not have to wait too long for it, that’s all I can hope for.

I realize very well that this is vague… this is really only for me to look at and know, maybe the person that has to make the decision… but I doubt it. For everyone that reads this… well at least you know to some level what I am going through.
Either way the decision goes, I’ll be happy (kinda) I’d feel better if the decision went my way, but at least I’ll be able to move on if it doesn’t.

Now all I have to do… is ask the question so the decision maker can do their thing, and make the decision...

Sorry, this gets a little dark...

I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things about myself. I have a lot of bad habits, none of them too big by themselves, but they add up pretty quickly. I guess we all have bad habits of some sort… we just don’t always notice them.

My biggest problem, that most of my bad habits come from, is my lack of self-confidence. I can see it in almost everything I do, every day. There are very few things that it doesn’t affect, my technical capabilities is one of them. I have to be good at what I do or I would not have come this far, and I am not afraid to admit my own weaknesses in the field, because the best thing that can come from admitting them, is learning, and then gaining a strength.

I need to figure out a way to do this in the other aspects of my life; my relationships with people, friends, family and lovers. I guess I just don’t know where to begin. Right now, I’m pretty angry, at a few people, but the worst anger right now I saved for myself. I’m angry because I didn’t really stand up in a situation where I probably should have. I don’t really want to go into specifics because I try to make it a point to not go to bed angry. The majority of the issue right now can be traced back to the fact that I don’t have very much self confidence and I feel like I have been stripped of who I am.

I have said this to a few people, and now I will put it out there on the web: I feel impotent.

I feel like I have no balls, no manhood, nothing.

Part of the reason for that is simple. I have no method of transportation other than Centro bus, and my own 2 feet… and the occasional friend who drops me off from work, and whom I go out with. But I have to ask for favors constantly… and yeah, I’m proud enough where that hurts… a lot.

The other reasons why I feel so impotent, is that I feel like I am not in control of anything anymore. A few years ago, I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted, and I really didn’t have too many people to answer to. NOW, I can’t do anything… because I can’t really go out, I can barely survive with all the bills I have, how I manage that still amazes even me, and all I can think of is getting out of my living situation.

I’d love to hit the lotto, keep my job, go back to school, and just be fucking happy, or at least happier… money can’t buy happiness, I know… but goddamnit it can make it a lot fucking easier to get there. Maybe I can get some professional help again… I really did like that, and maybe some meds if necessary… everyone seems to dream big when they hit the lotto… I don’t. I just dream of having no bills, living in a nice little house, having some companionship, and going to work during the week… but not having to worry about bills. That’s it. No “life stressors” none… the only stress I would have would be basically self-induced or something that I caused or someone else caused that directly affects me….

That would make me happy… but ya know what, I’ve learned to see the reality, and as sad as it sounds, I know if I hit the lottery for some stupid amount of money, that like the day I got the money (yeah I’d take it out all at once), I would get hit by a car and killed… because that seems to be my life… or better yet, the person I love gets run over by a bus or something stupid and horribly depressing to even imagine…. Because that’s what it seems like lately

Wow, that took a turn for the dark… sorry… I guess that’s what I get for writing when I am angry, depressed, lonely, and bored…

Anyway, back to my lack of self confidence… yeah, don’t really know where to start. I think I need to find an area in my life that I can just start standing up more. Problem. I know there is probably one or more people I will hurt by doing this, and I’m too fucking nice to do it…

Any help would be appreciated, but not expected because I am keeping things far too vauge.

Thanks for listening to me whine…

I think I need a fucking hug right now… not a beer (as much as I love beer).

Matt-

I wonder....

The way things have been going lately, I wonder sometimes....what the fuck am I doing with my life...

okay, here's the low down... once again, this is mainly just for me to rant.

I recently (January-ish) broke up with Raven, some say it was a long time coming, but whatever, I made a mistake, and I hid my own feelings from myself, and kept pushing them deeper and deeper until i thought they went away... no they were still there but they were just waiting for the worst possible time to come out.

This was probably the biggest mistake I have made. I normally pride myself on how honest I am, sometimes even if it hurts. But I'm human and I can fuck up too.

I am not really going to talk about why it was one of the worst times possible, not everyone in the world needs to know this stuff.... but I will say that to this day Raven does not want to believe the reason above. I hid my feelings, and my feeling of being trapped in a relationship, that I wasn't really sure about, from the moment she moved in with me. I tried to block it out of my head, and just suck it up... it did work, for almost 2 years. When she first came up to Syracuse to live with me and Eric, things were a little weird, she was pretty awkward, didn't have any friends, so I introduced her to all of my long time friends. Everyone was nice, but not everyone got along with her. This is normal, not only do I have a strange collection of friends, who don't always get along with people, but Raven is a strange chick, not everyone is going to get along, but we can all play nice. We are all adults (for the most part).

So for the first few months she didn't really have a job (mostly temping)... okay, shit happens... so I did the thing I do so well... I supported her, on my crappy income, yeah it sucked, but whatever, I care. She eventually got out of the temp stuff... which was good, cuz that stuff is never steady enough, and got into being a waitress. Now, one of my good friends was waiting tables with her @ IHOP (my main hangout) and things from time to time were pretty stressful, and there was always Drama (there always is... this is how it goes there). My friend eventually left IHOP, she was moving away to another area of the state, so Raven leaves. There's more to it, but basically Raven was worried about the other waitresses there having some sort of grudge against her and ousting her or having her fired.... semi-rational thought... they can be mean, I don't think it would have gone that far, but I have been wrong before. So she goes to another place we like to go... a little diner, mom and pop kinda place. Because she really still likes waiting tables, which is great. that works OK for a couple months, there is a little drama, but not much it was physically hard on her and a bit of a mental drain. Eventually she gets fired... don't remember the circumstances, I remember it was kind of a raw deal though.... keep in mind I'm in school, working at RadioShack, and doing construction/landscaping on the side.... I'm busy....

So on to the last job she has before this most. I am not going to mention the name, because the place doesn't even deserve that. She started off at this company as a phone sales person... then moved to a glorified secretary (not my words), then a little bit of everything.... they for the most part, are one of the worst companies to work for in the Syracuse area (not like I knew before hand), they do tech support, and they have one of the worst reputations. They treat their people like crap..... and the shittiest thing is, she couldn't find something that paid better... put up with all the crap that this company gave her.... and finally does find something and boom.... a bunch of crap from me gets dumped on her.... (at least that's how I picture she pictures it)

This is important that I mention, because throughout most of this time, it was me and her that were supporting all 3 people that were living in my place... Eric's money, at least a not-so-fair chunk, gets taken away by child support and alimony... long story short... he pays way too much and can’t get the amount adjusted because he can't seem to save his money to have a lawyer look at it. So through all of this crap that she is going through, I have my own battles, keep the bills paid and the people happy with what little money that Raven and I can come up with just so we can have a roof, and power, and maybe some outside communication devices. Fun.

SO, throughout most of this I am stuck.... I can't leave her because I'm not happy, not only would I not be able to support myself, but she would be up shit creek... where the fuck is she gonna go? Nowhere that I can see other than the street, or maybe find some friends..... that aren't mine...... to move in with. yeah... not so much. At least this is my thought process. She didn't really mention too many people from work that would even think about that shit... so yeah, that's basically what I was thinking. This is why I feel trapped for almost 2 years... I cannot seem to drive this point home enough. Between me working 2 jobs barely able to make my own bills and portion of the rent, and her working whatever job she was in at the time, we were able to scrape by every month... which puts a lot of external stress on the relationship.

The other big stressor of the relationship was the little things... they all add up to big things... minor annoyances, and character flaws (I know, I have a lot too!). These normally aren't that bad because people tell me if I'm being a douche or whatever (at least some times). It seemed like whenever I would say something (as often as I could... in private), it would be honored for about a week or so, then the behavior would slowly make its way back into everyday life again... until I said something again, rinse and repeat.

The next part that I am going to talk about, isn't meant to bash or hurt... it’s just how I see it, and well, this is my blog, and everything is from my fucking perspective anyway... so yeah:

Now, I want to say something here, I'm not talking about shit like, "wow you chew really loud" (which does bother me from time to time). I'm talking about things like "do you know you try to constantly upstage people, even in just a simple conversation?" I actually developed a name for this... and because I'm a geek an acronym to match, "Great Uncle Copernicus" syndrome... it goes like this: whenever you have been involved in something cool, She would come up with something even cooler or say "I have a friend *insert name here* who does that too... only he does it this way".... or "My *insert relative here* used to do that too!". GUC syndrome, constant upstaging. This not only annoyed me, but it annoyed EVERY one of my friends, whom a fair amount were also her friends. This stopped COUNTLESS conversations in their tracks, and completely derailed a-many-a train of thought. Sometimes it’s fun to do, but every time there is a good conversation, it’s not so fun. This by far if there are any character flaws is the one that bothered me the most. And she knew it, and hopefully still knows it, not for my benefit, but for her own.

Now, just to say this, she is not the only person I know that has GUC syndrome... I have a few other friends that do this... but generally not to the extreme that she does.

Back to the updating- type-thing:

At the time of this writing, we actually both work at the same place, close to the same hours. This makes things interesting, I don't really have a problem with separation between work life and home life, but I know that is hard to do for a lot of people to do. Personally I have no issue separating these things because I had to do it for so long with Eric. If I couldn't do that with him, someone probably would have ended up bloody or hurt in some other way.

Thankfully we don't have to see each other every day; we do have different days off (at least right now) which is helpful. But it’s pretty crappy to discuss personal, relationship-type shit at work, whether it involves me, or it’s just to talk to me about it. I don't like mixing work and home life... and I don't like being talked about, on a personal level with anyone else in that establishment, especially while IN the establishment. That bothers me, and I don't care what the reason is... it shouldn't happen, there is ABSOLUTELY NO reason for it.

Sorry, got a little upset there. The reason for that is simple. When I was in a different department than Raven, after 8 days of training, I got my cube. Once the next bunch of people came in (Raven got pulled from a different dept.) they got their own cubes, Raven's cube was right across the row (a whopping 5 feet) from mine. No big deal, the moment she figured out where she was sitting, she had it moved, to the other side. Okay, no problem, I still wanted to be friends and she knew that. NOW, today (Thursday/Friday.... it takes me a while to write this stuff) she had it moved to the other side of the office (I don't have to go over there for much).

As a side note, for the past week, we have been going back and forth a bit. Little snide comments here and there, maybe a little scorn... nothing big, until Monday or Tuesday (my days blend together, somewhere around the 15th). When you start an argument with me, there are a few things you want to understand.

I don't like raising my voice, it’s not necessary
I don't like arguing in public, it’s embarrassing
I don't like repeating myself, it’s annoying
and I cannot FUCKING stand it, when people do not listen to me.

Aside from the first... she made me break every rule. The only reason the first one didn't break is because I like my job.

Matty got mean, because why? Because she made my break my own rules. Did I call names, kind of; I stated how she was acting very bluntly, maybe a little too bluntly, but she wasn’t listening and I got frustrated, so I got mean and very short with her. Do I regret anything I said? No, absolutely not. Do I think I was being a little harsh? Not really, maybe for some, but I really think it needed to be said, just the way it was said.

I don’t mean to sound vague, but I don’t need details out in the open, the people that need to know, do.

ANYWAY… So I go in today (Thursday the 18^th) it’s the start of my day, it ends on Friday at 02:30), I get Kudos at work (which is always cool), but from the higher-ups, the really higher-ups! YAY! When I go in, I have to go past Raven’s cube, sometimes I say hi, sometimes I don’t, she appeared to be on the phone when I walked by, and had someone over at her desk… not my place to bother her/them, they could be in the middle of a troubleshooting session. So I just go to my desk, and hang out for a few minutes before logging into my computer and the phone system. I have a small headache, so I just keep my little light off, and zone out for a minute or 2. My boss comes over and tells me that the higher-ups were there the day I had off, and recognized my performance as a great peer to my peers because of the tech support I provide to them. That starts the day out nicely. I then get onto a call that by the time I’m done, the lady wants to talk to my boss and tell them how awesome I am… keeps on rolling my day up… but what I am noticing while I am on the phone with this really nice lady, is that Raven is having this discussion with a couple of the bosses, not just one. And this is basically when she moves her desk over to the other side of the room office.

At this point I wonder… what was said, hopefully nothing personal, because not only does that REALLY piss me off, but that is one of the most unnecessary things I have ever heard of. NOW, I know something was said because there are a few more people that know that Raven and I were a couple at one point. The REAL question here is: Why the fuck is it necessary to move her cube to the other end of the office? What the hell did she have to say to them to just up and move her shit?

Okay, so that’s the not-so-briefing, on to the title of this entry… I wonder… What the fuck am I doing with my life!?!

So there have been a lot of changes in the past few months. After I left Raven, for a little bit got interesting… as in difficult, but I made it work. I will say this, there is someone else in my life now, and that is part of the reason why Raven thinks that I am lying about why I broke up with her. That’s frankly not the case, as I BEAT like a dead horse above. It’s just a part of the whole, WORST TIMING EVER, but it happened that way, and well, I can’t change it now, nor would I want to. I think it happened for a reason, much like everything else in my life.

I have to do a lot of soul searching, and I have been, but I still have far to go. Over the past probably 6-8 years I have been repressing a lot of myself, holding back on a lot of things that I am saying and doing. Some of this is normal, some of it is not. Almost no one knows me for who I am anymore and honestly, there was a lot of shit that even Carla never saw, let alone Laura then Raven. About September of last year is when I really started seeing a lot of horrible habits that I have. Some of these things I would have seen eventually, but it may have been far too late to correct them. And others, I may not have seen at all.

This is when I really started to get depressed, and detached, no one saw it. I hide things pretty well, I learned how to as a kid, hide my emotions, so I don’t upset people.

No one wants to see you cry, and no one cares if you’re sad except Mom. And making Mom sad isn’t good, and if she sees you sad, that will make her sad... These are my thoughts as a child. Now some of you may understand me a little better.

Around the time when I figured out how to hide my emotions, I also figured out how to lie… really well. Apparently I am a natural liar. Lying became a habit. Why? Because I could make up my own little world, and make everything happy, just the way I wanted it.

It took until I was about 16-17 years old to break that habit. To this day I very rarely lie. Now, I may conceal things, which is a type of lying, but I NEVER falsify anything anymore unless I am protecting life or limb of someone else. Even if I were to conceal something, I would only do so until asked about it, simple, I know that sounds guilty, but the fact is, most of the time, I won’t even do that.

Example (let’s start beating the dead horse again!):

The most recent happening of anything close to that, involves the new person in my life, and Raven “not knowing” about all the details. The reason was simple why I didn’t tell her, if I don’t want information out in the open, I won’t talk about it. If I don’t talk about something doesn’t mean I’m concealing it, it just means that I’m not talking about it. I don’t need my personal business out for everyone that I have ever known and cared about to see in the light of day, I may actually want privacy… OH NO! NOT THAT!

Now, was it just privacy I wanted? No. I would prefer not to mentally bash someone completely and look like I’m a fucking 12 year old taking out revenge, and it’s just overall douchbaggery.

Goddamnit, sorry, keep getting off topic… back to me being repressed…

Anyway, so while I am trying to figure shit out in my head, I go back to RadioShack for work over the holidays. Meet a really cool person there who I can just kind of talk to about hypothetical shit. (as in not letting on to what kind of shit that is actually going through my mind about my own life, while actually doing it)

This is good, it’s kind of like therapy, kind of one sided, but I figure a few things out, just by talking to this person, or maybe just talking in general. During one of these sessions, I figure out something, I have been repressing my feeling of being trapped for almost as long as I have been in the relationship. I also start remembering what I used to be like and feel like a lot of the time… and I then realize I haven’t really been myself in a very long time.

After that, nothing was the same. I started looking at a lot of parts of my life. I started re-evaluating things, everything. My living situation, my work situation, what I want to do with my life, who my friends are and who I was with. This was probably one of the most difficult times. I didn’t like what I had been living in/with, I still kinda don’t… but I’m working on it. I didn’t like the LACK of money I was making… so I got different job, yeah, it’s nothing special, but I can have some fun, and feel good at the end of most days. As far as what I want to do with my life… I have goals, I’m not too close to them, but I am one step closer. As far as who my friends are, I have a lot of friends, and there are a few that I don’t really care what they think or do anymore, they were never too close to begin with. And well, who I was with…. Yeah, pretty much what the bulk of this blog entry is about… that had to change…. (commence re-beating of the dead horse!) I wasn’t happy, I was never really happy since she came up here. I lied about my feelings to try to get through. I was put into a situation where I couldn’t leave due to financial issues on her part and on mine. I feel like the relationship was built on almost nothing… we HAD a lot in common. But I go long times without playing games or going out… I’ve been in that kind of mode now for a while; I don’t feel like associating with people, I don’t really feel like going out with my friends… I just want to get my car back on the road (I’ll go into details on that in a later entry) and drop off the face of the planet for a while… that’s it. It’s just that simple. Oh, and maybe get more caught up with my bills.

Now I am seeing someone else, this is part of the reason why the whole break up thing came at a bad time. This person is living with me right now; this is purely out of necessity, the fact that I am a nice guy, and the fact that I am co-dependent on people. Her name is Nichole. She is the same person I was talking to when I went back to RadioShack about what was going on in my head. She knows the whole story (or at least everything that came out of my side, she knows a little on Raven’s too). Now, frankly what I do with my life is my own. I really do care for Nichole, I don’t care what people think of me for saying that, and I say people because I mean EVERYONE. I do wish that right now we could find a place where she could stay and be able to have her little kiddo over (she has a child… to be clear), and have all of the amenities that one would need. Right now that is not possible, she needs to save a bunch and have a few other things squared away first. I want her to be comfortable. But I also want her to have a place where she can call her own again; I know what that feels like not to.

As far as things go, that’s pretty much the not-so-brief summary. There are a lot of other things going on at the moment, but this one seems to be occupying most of my time. I try pretty hard to keep things emotionally subdued in my blogs, people don’t need to see whiney bitchy stuff, not like I do that anyway, but I need to vent in writing sometimes. This entry did take me almost a week to write… as some of the dates suggest. Everything is said for a good reason. I don’t care who reads this, in fact I would like everyone I know to read this so that way they know my reasons and story for doing what I have been doing lately, which is pretty much not talking to anyone, working my ass off, and sleeping, and spending the fleeting moments in between all of those with Nichole, one of 2 Chris’s and Tom.

At any rate, I hope this explains a few things, and if not… oh well, I tried. See ya soon.

Matt-

Still here... alive and kickin....

So, I was supposed to be in NYC today... but Gary (the person whom is picking Eric and I up) had an issue with his employer, and couldn't get the time off.... so we now wait till Saturday.... at least all my shit is packed and ready to go.... has been since Tuesday/Wednesday, now will be till Saturday....

I was really hoping things would start working better for Gary. He's had a lot of shit to go through as of late, His mom went into the hospital in like February/March, his brother boned him on something related to a house, his dad got diagnosed with some weird blood disease... but Gary is a lot like I am, just take what you can take, and do stuff as best you can, and it will work out in the end because that's what you told it to do.

I think Eric blames me for freakin out a few times... like how G went missing for a few months... (he was in the hospital). And how we hadn't heard from him in a while.... his dad got diagnosed with the whole blood thing ( it was like a month ago)

I worry about shit.... sorry, Its my fuckin job lately. I left Radioshack to go to NYC. I have no income right now, and my hands are tied. I would like to be in some form of communication with people so I know what the fuck is going on.... WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM ACCEPTING THIS? Why do I get the "stop freakin out" look? I swear, the man is lucky i don't snap while he sleeps.... or G may only be picking one person up.

let me throw somethin out at ya:

When someone you need to be able to contact, is unreachable, and doesn't respond to any form of communication, what do you do? worry.... then what? freak out a bit...then what? freak out more.... and that's about as far as it goes.

Yes I was worried about G and I was also kinda pissed because he didn't call or anything for at least a couple weeks. NOW, I am a pretty understanding person, and when E told me the news about G's Dad, then I was like, Oh, OK, but I still wish he could have called at some point.

Call, Text,email, BBM (blackberry stuff), PIN (blackberry stuff)

there are a lot of ways....

or you can call my house, and leave a message for both E and me to here.

It could have been simple, but I know he is also a pretty busy person. There is no reason to blow up at me for being more than slightly concerned.

ANYWAY... so I'm chillin for another couple of days, I really just want to go now.... get this tension and shit out of the air so we can all move on with our lives... I know raven wants to have me stay (or go with), but honestly, it just makes things that much harder later on. I know that, I'm pretty sure she knows that, but I also know its hard to resist.

This place is gonna be lonely, and I really hope she has people over, gets together with friends... etc. because she is much more of a social person than I am. I'm human, but the fact is, I don't need as much person-to-person contact as I think she does. I have also done this whole long-distance thing quite a few times, and sadly, I'm actually used to it.

::thinking:: Maybe this is some kind of defense mechanism or something. I do better with long-distance than face to face... who knows... but it is an interesting observation.

well, that's it for now... hopefully by Saturday (the 4th) I'll be in NYC, and I'll post from there. I do love the fireworks, dunno if I'll be able to see them... but good stuff nonetheless.

Emotions, Mental whatnot... and cigarettes!

Okay, right now I am sitting at IHOP, but I am writing this without a connection to the web… thanks to basic typing programs.

So in less than a week, I leave for NYC, I am excited, worried, depressed, and happy all at once. It’s a really weird feeling that most of us call nervous. Nervous is something different in my head.

Nervous implies some kind of mental unrest, as in I have some kind of mental block against going or maybe I don’t know how anything is going to work out and I am going down there on a dime and a shoe string… I’ve played that game once, and honestly, I fought the good fight, and I came back to Syracuse because I ran out of money.

I love it in NYC, it’s a great city. There are plenty of good opportunities, there is a lot going on- pretty much any time you want. I have a few friends that still live there, that I have been trying to visit for the past 7 years, but never got to it… now I have the chance and plenty of time to chill.

The semi-shitty thing about this “move” is that I am going to be away from my G/F (that’s girlfriend for the non-savvy). Now… I have done this before, long-distance relationships are pretty hard, in-fact her and I have done this before, so I know exactly what I am getting into, so therefore I expect her to as well… but for some reason I really don’t see much difference between before when we did this and now, but on the other hand, I am not her.

I say semi-shitty because I don’t look at being away from someone you love as horrible, granted, it’s not great, but it’s not the worst thing you could do either. I trust her, so that’s not a problem. I’m pretty sure she trusts me, so I don’t think that’s the problem either. Either way, she is not very happy with my choice, or I know that she doesn’t like the idea because she really didn’t have much play in the situation, but she also knows that the financial bullshit is just adding up too fast for me or her to pull us out of it.

I guess I feel really guilty putting her through this again, but I honestly don’t feel that it is as big of a problem as she does. I sound like an asshole when I put that on paper… wow. I’m not heartless; I think I just deal with the situation differently.

It’s like when my grandfather passed away last year: I was calm and collected, until my cousin Josh read the eulogy, but I held it together fairly well, yeah, I sobbed quietly, and yeah, it was obvious, but I wasn’t a ball of tears in the middle of the ceremony. The only other time that I lost it was when his coffin was lowered into the ground. I had to walk away from the whole funeral party and stare out onto the lake and cry by myself. During that whole month after, I just wanted to push people away, and after a while, I healed, and everything was back to normal. I don’t deal with things the way people expect. I never have, even when I was a small child.

Long-distance relationships are about the same, yeah, I miss the person, but I don’t pine for them, my chest doesn’t hurt with loneliness, I’m just happy to see them when I can, and I try to make the best out of every moment we have together. Saying goodbye sucks a bit, but that’s how life and love are. You just gotta take the good times with the bad.

I will see her every other week; we have to be back up here in Syracuse so Eric can see his child. It’s on average better than what she and I had before. When she lived in CT, and I was here 2 summers back, I saw here anywhere between every 2 to 3 weeks. Unless something goes horribly wrong… this should be it, not too bad if you ask me. This is really the only thing that is even somewhat stressing me out right now. I know where we (Eric and I) will be, the apartment is in a nice area, 105^th and Riverside Drive. I’m not going to give my exact address, but it’s close to there. For a little while I will be sleeping on an air mattress, but I will get a futon within a few weeks, maybe a desk or something, who knows. Little things like that don’t bother me that much, I know exactly what to expect when I get there, I used to live there… no big deal. The first couple months are set for rent and shit. And for a little while, all I gotta worry about is getting a little bit of food in me, havin’ smokes (which I have a solution for… more on this shortly), and some cash in my pocket (not a lot, because I will be sending most back up here).

Okay, so as everyone knows that actually reads this blog… (the few, the proud, my readers!) I smoke, and I have for years… I’m 27 now, I started smoking when I was 16… 11 years now… wow, anyway—I found a really cool “alternative”, actually Raven (my G/F) found it. I had only really briefly heard about the concept, and I tried something like it a while ago… the electronic cigarette. Anyway, what I tried, was not quite electronic, it was just… different, and I think somehow “better” for you, they don’t sell them anymore I don’t think, but basically they just had a heating element in them, and only ashed ¼ of an inch off the end of the cigarette, I don’t remember what they were called, but they tasted really funny… anyway, what Raven found is indeed a true electronic cigarette. I am stating now that this is in no manner a commercial; you can go to their site yourself. The company is called “Blu” (www.blucigs.com), I looked a little into it, and it seems that it is a pretty dirt cheap alternative that also seems that it is better for you as well. There is a chance of nicotine poisoning, but that is because people don’t know when to stop smoking the thing… it blinks 10 times or something like that to let you know you are over using it. For the rate that I smoke (which is about 1/3 of a pack per day) this works out really well, I will probably get a month out of a “carton”, maybe less, because I can “smoke” more, and who knows if I will or not. There are other companies out there, like smokeeverywhere (or something along those lines) but I like the blu company better because they don’t really make any solid CLAIMS about health benefits or other shit, and they have their “pack” that charges the batteries… the reason I bother to mention this, is that I know that I have a few random readers from time to time, and I really would like to know a little more about this before I spend 60 bucks on the starter kit, and I also want to tell the few random readers that there is something else other than “traditional” cigarettes, and hell, if it saves ya a couple bucks… good for you, and who knows, this indeed could be healthier. SO… random and non-random readers… PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT if you have tried this product or not, or send me an email or something… I really do want to know, good things and bad things.

I probably will be spending the money anyway, primarily because cigs in NYC are like 9-10 bucks a pack, and frankly even though my job will be paying me more, I don’t want to be spending the difference on smokes! You will have a little bit of time to respond, because I will be taking a few packs with me, and probably will be ordering them within the first few weeks, so please, if you have some experience with BLU, let me know ASAP.

Okay… so I know that was lengthy, but I am honestly all for making it cheaper for me and potentially healthier (at least a little). **RAPID SUBJECT CHANGE**

So I really can’t explain my emotions right now, I’m giddy about going back to some old stomping grounds, but I feel like I’m being a prick to not only my G/F but some family members, I’ll be back every other weekend, so it’s not too bad… and time away from Syracuse is never a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but sometimes old memories really need to stay OLD memories… nothing bad, I just don’t like constantly re-living the past. I come to IHOP because it’s a long standing tradition, but sometimes I just get caught up in things, and how they used to be…

I also think some time separated from almost everyone won’t be a bad thing. Being alone, helps me get collected, mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically.

Well, I think that’s gonna be it from me for now. I’ll post this at my earliest convenience.

See ya later!

... still here... for another 13 days

Okay, so last time we left off at me going to NYC and being nervous and such of that sort...

Right, so I am still a little nervous, but I am seriously looking forward to the 12th/13th... that will be the day that Eric and i go down. I got a lot of my bills squared, at least pushed back far enough to where it won't be a problem putting my bank acct. negative.

Gary has located 2 places, one is on 86th and the other is on 101st (or something along those lines). both are pet friendly... so I won't have to worry about raven taking care of the dog, or anyone else for that matter. Both are also walk-ups, but no higher than the 3rd floor... so I'm down with that.

I haven't really figured out what I am going to sleep on, but I have slept on dirty clothes for extended periods of time, so I should be ok :-p.

The shit end of the stick, is that I haven't had the time to really talk to my family about this... not that there is really anything they can say to stop me at this point, but they need to know that I will be all set, and I won't be in Syracuse for a bit.... not that it really affects much, but I would rather have them know now, than later... ill have to talk to everyone for a bit.

Most of my friends know now, and considering I really only see most of them during the weekend anyway, it should be all good, at least they are all understanding that i need this more for the money than anything else... and hey, if i get some awesome job offer... i'm down... darn, salary... darn... insurance... darn.... spending money... please, please stop me now..... NOT!

If all else fails, I can say this: "it was a good time... I made a few bucks to make things easier for a sort while, and carried myself through the hard part of the summer...". I really think that I will be able to make this work for me, and who knows, i could meet some really cool people this way... maybe one of them would like to give me a salary... and I could even do the job i am about to go down to NYC for, part time... that would be pretty slick.

At this point, I am really excited... as I think i should be, and yes, I am still a little worried, but at this point, I am not as worried as a couple weeks ago. A few things went my way, and I should be doing at least OK for the trip down....

Anywho, that's it for now... I just gotta find a good way to tell my family.

There and Back again....

Yes, that was a blatant reference from LOTR... moving along.

Yeah, so here we go. I have an opportunity that I am really not totally sure about, but I am going to make the best of it.

I am basically going to be going on a "contract-to-hire" basis, working with Eric (my roommate) and Gary (another good guy that lived with me for a bit, and has known Eric for a while). I will be a glorified secretary... and by glorified, I mean, not only taking calls, making appointments, and responding to/with emails... but I will also be updating a few websites, and doing PDA/Blackberry support and a little implementation here and there. The two of them, plus this other person (of whom I do not know at this moment), are going to be leasing apartments (with a leasing company), and my job will be basically be on their back-end, supporting their needs, which honestly, I am totally okay with. I get paid $10/hour, and I get commission from what they get leased (which is loosely based on the website adds I update/post), my commission is a sliding scale that actually makes sense, and I get to telecommute most days... which means I chill behind my desk, at home, in my boxer shorts, and do my job. Every now and then they may need me to come out and show an apartment for them (which i will probably be entitled to a little more if it gets leased). Now, all this sounds cool right? It gets slightly better... I am going to be able to see what EVERYONE makes because I will be the one in charge of the "books". Cooler right?

And now... for the explanation of the title....

This job is in NYC. 

This is not a bad thing, it does bring back a few bad memories... but those are all because of me... gotta do what ya gotta do right?

I am obligated to be there at least 3 months... which works out okay, because if i need to cut-bait and get the hell out, I can do so before things get too horrible. There are some immediate draw backs... like the fact that my G/F will have to stay here for a bit, mainly because of the fact that I will have to have a small apartment, the other fact, is that she is anchored (loosely) by her job. The upside to that is I will be home at a minimum of every other weekend... doable.

She is worried about a lot of things, which I can understand completely. However she has not seen what I went through to get as far as I have thus far.... I know when to leave if I have to.

There are some fears I have too... one of which is, am I going to be able to make enough money to support the things I need to. The numbers line up fairly well, I am going to be staying pretty busy, but if something goes wrong, I do have a back up, which is basically, BAIL, but If shit happens too fast, will I have enough time? will I be able to get out when I need to? I am secure with Radioshack... but if I get myself into enough trouble, I may not be able to pull back out.... I got a lot of bills right now, and the reason I am going down there to make enough money to pay the bills off up here, and not to acquire enough down there to put me back in the same place.

In all theory, I should be good, the only real bills that will start down there for me is rent, power, food and metro card. rent is split 3 ways, power is split 3 ways, food is my own and metro card is my own... provided we get a cheap place (which is being worked on every day until we are ready to leave) we should be generally good to go... I am only going to bring my laptop, at least at first.

I dunno, not planning on any commission checks, things are tight, but still less tight than me being up here... there are just too many variables right now to figure out though... I don't know the costs of things.

I miss the city, but I made myself a promise... that I am breaking... that I would not go back down to NYC unless I had a solid means to support myself (like $50,000 a year). In all technicality, this job has the potential, not to mention I could just run across something really sweet whilst I'm there... the networking capabilities down there are limitless.

I guess that's it for now... I'll keep ya posted.

as of right now, my last day in the 'Cuse (Syracuse that is!) is June 15th... a week before my B'day.

Interesting updates

So yeah, I know that there are not a lot of followers to this blog and that it is mainly a place for me to rant... but as far as the situation goes... its almost identical to last year.... which is kinda fucked up, but hey... still relying on RadioShack for money, which is really, REALLY pissing me off right now.

I graduated from ITT with my Associates degree finally (this was in December of 08), and I graduated salutatorian. so now maybe its a little understandable why i am pissed.

There have been a lot of little things that have come up for opportunities for career advancement, but none of them except for 2 looked promising... both of which i am still pursuing. One change from last year, is that I finally got myself onto twitter... which you can now see to the right (you can look right now if you want), its right below my picture for the moment...

Anyway, I am going to try to post more often. there is a lot of shit going on, and i have been really REALLY busy, so you'll have to pardon me. I don't have a lot of time where i can sit down and think about nothing... oh, shit, i wanted to fix my Linux box.... well, off i go for now...

Here we go again.....

Everything right now is starting to look more and more like New York City to me...

When I was in NYC, I didn't live there... I SURVIVED there. I ate shoe strings for breakfast, maybe got a cup of coffee... then maybe ate lunch depending on if I was working that day or just going to class. Then had a good ole' bucket o' ramen for dinner... yummy. This sounds appetizing I know... but ya know what's funny, the food is better this time, but the bills are worse.

Rent, Power, Cell, Cable (internet and such), Car Insurance, Back Debt, and things that are becoming back debt.... awesome.

it just seems to get so overwhelming sometimes

More Updates....

updates updates updates.... I'm sure everyone needs this:

Ok, ok, so here is some more information for you people out there that actually read this...

So on the whole "new" girlfriend front... the only reason that new is in "" is because, well
it has been so long since I wrote in this that it is no longer a new thing...

Anyway, the name she goes by is Raven (yes as in the bird). Things have been going okay in that world... the only reason it is not fantastic is because everyone for the past few months has been far too stressed out. Other than that things are fine there. She breathes fire (one of the few female fire breathers on the east coast... but she also juggles and does other pretty awesome shit with it) and does all kinds of other nifty shit. Quite a talented lady I would say :-P. There is a lot more to say, but honestly it really is hard to put the connection we have into words.

So I believe I stated last time that Eric (aka Rocky) is my roommate now... which is good... he really needed to get out of his grandmother's house... his mother's side of the family is just messed up in ways that not many would really understand.... if not, well now ya know.

His current squeeze Amy is pretty cool, she stays here a lot. Some of the funniest shit comes out of her mouth.

The servers I have are still down... I got no money to pay the power bill so I am not going to try to make it worse on that front. As much as it pains me, just turning one on for a few hours is a few dollars that I really don't have.... but I'll get there eventually.

------------------

Things more recently have become more complicated.
- Eric has lost a lot of hours at work (still doing construction with our boss that we had over the summer)

- Eric's ex-wife is being a twat (yes, I am using that word as strong as it is implied) with child support and other things of that matter, making his life an absolute living hell... I feel bad for the shit he has to deal with... no, that is not pity, I just don't understand why she is doing it to him... she is still one of my friends, I knew her briefly in HS, and I lived with them when I was in NYC for a bit

- Raven's job is not steady enough to really provide any cash to the "house" fund.

- My job is just pissing me off... I really didn't want to have to rely on Radioshack... it just bugs me...BTW, Steve... I still love ya man, you were the only Radioshack manager that I would leave the company if you left... and I mean that.

- I have found other jobs more recently... possibly something in my field... the pay is okay .... one of the jobs is just building/repairing computers (the name of the place is called Seneca Data). Its fairly mindless from the description I got, but even still its at least something kinda nifty and the pay is right.... I just may do it, i have a few more things to think about before I make a jump like that... but I really need something more steady, NOT dealing with customers for a while. I just dont want to leave my current manager in a ridiculously hard place and I want to give as much notice as possible... i dunno... its hard to really figure out what I should do, but ultimately the decision is mine to make and I have to be concerned with my own well being... and everyone in the rest of my house.

... that pretty much sums things up for right now..
i suppose.

maybe more later

==Chevelle - Straight Jacket Fashon==
Currently playing in the background

I haven't given up yet...

So yeah, there have been quite a few things going on in my life right now... and there have been some changes...

The apartment I was going to move into, kinda fell through, but now I am in a different place... on Tipperary hill, the most Irish part of Syracuse, for those who are not familiar with the area. Which honestly is quite nice, and has come back in more recent years. I lived in this area when I was very young, one street over from where I am now.

I'm still working at the same radioshack I went to at the beginning of the summer... though I have stopped the landscaping (and construction in the winter), due to stress and lack of hours... so I took on more hours at the shack.

I have also started going back to school, at ITT Technical... I really want that fucking piece of paper. I'm doing well in classes so far (we are on week 4/5 of I think 12).

I am actually getting days off during the week, this is a plus.

But i'm still stressed...
too stressed, even for me....
I dunno, I can't tell you how many times I just feel like letting go of the steering wheel sometimes when I drive... just to see what would actually happen.... but the sad part is, that I know what would happen...

A- IF i live... which I probably would *unless I went off a cliff or something*
- I would have an ASS-LOAD of medical bills that would probably never get paid off...
- I would have my family questioning my mental stability (as if they don't by now)
- I would have to spend more time out of school
- I would probably be in a wheelchair or something like that.. just from the number of injuries
- I would also have people bending over backwards trying to help me... fuck off... I got this

B- IF i were to die...
- I would never fucking rest... EVER
- I'd probably have to deal with all the pain of watching over my family... and their sorrow... yadayadayada... yeah NO.
- When some of my family did finally reach me... that'd be great to explain huh? and I couldn't even have an excuse like... "its a long story" cuz its fucking eternity.... ya got nothing but time.

I don't like those results...
hmmm... onward to next thought....

I wonder if it is possible to elminate most of the stress in life with money... I hope so.
that could be a semi-attainable goal.... no bills, no stress there.... everything else is easier (or at least coming from only one or two places). Shit, if I didn't have any bills to worry about, things would be VERY different:

**ENTER DREAM SEQUENCE MUSIC** (ya know like wayne's world)

Matt comes home from work... sits down, and enjoy's his evening with his roommates and girlfriend... knowing all bills are paid, has a full (or at least semi-full) tank of gas, and a very healthy and fast computer. He then turns on the TV for a little while, enjoys a movie, maybe some interesting tv show, sits in front of the 'puter for a bit, has a meal, has some intimate time, and then goes to sleep..... goes to work, and somewhat enjoy's it... goes to leave...forgets the bad moments of the day, and goes home... repeat from top 5 out of 7 days per week.

**EXIT DREAM SEQUENCE MUSIC**

yeah, see, is that so hard... what the fuck, I don't want a lot... just to be comfortable... I don't need retarded amounts of stuff, every cool little toy on the market, or cutting edge comptuer equipment in my apartment (though it would be nice, but not necessary).

I guess I gotta try harder... be more of a man, get a harder working job so I can afford those things....

yeah... im sure... then what...
... this is where most people get greedy, when they are comfortable... its all one big fuckin pattern, then they loose it all... just like at the casino's. Everyone says "nope, if I won (insert x amount of) dollars I'd walk away from the table". I hate to break it to you, but the fact of the matter stands... its a different situation once you have the chips/cash/whatever in your hands....

I guess its a paradox I am striving to be comfortable... but once I get there, there will be a new level of comfort I want.... maybe... I'm not really sure... I have had very few times in my life where I was actually comfortable, I really don't honestly know what it is like.

I guess it would take a LOT of money in one HUGE lump sum to really make that happen.... mega millions? (NYS Lottery)

God the list I could make just of the things I would do with that kind of cash....
(I'll make a generalized one for length reasons)

- Pay off all bills of mine, my girlfriend Raven's, Parents, and closer friends... I would also help out a few of my really close friends that are either getting married or having children a little more than a few others.
- Hand the deed of my Mom's house to Mom and Gary (they still got another 20 years on their mortgage I think).
- Give both of my parents money for my younger siblings to go to college with.
- Buy a place to put my 1979 Cougar, and soup-up little Svetty (my 91 saab) to do some pretty cool shit (turbo anyone?).
- Get some nifty computer upgrades and a nice desk/computer area.
- CONTINUE TO LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE
- Hire 2 people... one to clean my house now and again (no live in people would be necessary) and the other to invest my money and help out charities....

And here's the kicker... all the things I would do before I put all the money in the bank/investments would probably only amount to $500,000 (or maybe slightly more)... the investments I would live off of the rest of my life... and yes, I would
- Finish School
- WORK until I was much older
- be WISE with the money
- Pay it forward (see movie of the same title... great flick... kinda sad)

well out I go for a smoke... I'll probably finish the "updates" post at some point in time.... I apologize for that....

for those that may actually care.


Matt-

Updates later.... depressed now...

So yeah, today was going well until Eric got a phone call from his mom telling him that one of his friend's sister died a few days ago and calling hours were tonight. She wasn't close to me (a bit older) but his friend was pretty close to him in HS, and I had talked to him from time to time on the bus. Anyway, it depresses me that the only reason I wear a tie now a days is because either someone is getting married or someone has died.... or the off chance that I have a job interview.

So that's a great way to pretty much start a day....

but wait... there's more! and if you act now... I'll throw in the julianne fry maker for free...


So here I am @ home with my parents feeling kinda glum and all... and I get a phone call from a good friend of mine... I feel bad because I couldn't talk because I had some stuff that I really needed to take care of... but he reminded me that one thing I really wanted to do this summer was go up to the white mountains.... and being the first summer I was away from NH, I wanted to make that happen..... I couldn't... I feel like I let everyone down, I got the time off from one job, but I couldn't get it off from the other..... I got the 4th.... thats it.

I mean, I guess its a good thing, I really need the money to move into a new place (That will come in the next update). And there might be a little bit of awkwardness between Laura and I, but I don't really see that as a problem. But I really wanted to see some people.... like Steve and Tarayn, the remaining 1017 crew, My college friends... you get the idea... I could have done that in 2 days... and right now I don't have that chance. That really kinda gets to me. I hope that I get the chance to go soon.... I know I am missed, by at least a few people.

I love how such a small thing can turn a day inside out.... and how shit seems to love to roll downhill, and not stop at the bottom....

Oh yeah, one last thing... I need to see a dentist soon because I think I broke part of my wisdom teeth.... SUPER.

well... I think thats all I can handle writing right now...

Updates.... Part 1

Ok, when I last left you, I was in NH, struggling with a lot of decisions. Well I went, and I am now in Syracuse, I said my goodbyes and I'm here now. End of story right..... never with me... come on now, you should know that. So yeah, I left NH about 2 months ago, Transferred to a different radio shack, which is working out fairly well so far, and I do landscaping as a full time job right now (better, more stable money). I'm living at home right now, but as of june 22nd, I put a deposit on an apartment which is AWESOME... its in the city, in a half-way decent area, that has a great park and pool nearby. So, that's the main... ME part. I am currently working with my buddy Eric from High school at the landscaping company, and things are pretty kewl there, we are going to be starting a "video blog" on myspace about all the crazy shit we do @ work.

... and now for the kicker... hold on to your shorts....
I have a new girlfiend.... yeah, I know... are ya good now?

So yeah, I know I said I wanted to be single for a while, and honestly it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but I'm one to get lonely fairly quick, and it takes me a while to remember this.

Not to mention, it was one of those things that I just kinda fell into... She has been a good friend of mine for a long time now and her and I have always had good energy together but had either A: thought it would be too wierd or B: thought that it wouldn't work.

Well, as far as A goes... its not, its a good thing. and as far as B goes... well so far, most excellent.... you see, its hard to describe the mental connection we have other than being "mental twins".

... To be Continued...

I cried watching this....

This shit is too funny not to post.... :-)
Its the best waste of 9 minutes I have ever seen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w
If the embedding doesn't work

Oh yeah, and if you are really bored, check out some videos from this web site (don't try this at home is highly recommended).
http://www.willitblend.com

Responsibilites suck....

So yeah, I got my tax return back on Friday... all $923, sweet deal.... but the sad part is that more than half of that has to go to bills... which in the long run is better, because that will make money easier to save, and it will ultimately mean that a new clutch for Svetty will be coming soon.

I wanted to spend that money on Svetty and my computer ("Ritsuko") , Ritsuko needs a few new things, but most important right now is a new power supply. I am sick of having to spend 20 minutes of my normal morning TRYING to start up my computer... it pisses me off. Not to mention burning CD/DVD's is a pain in the ass because it could just randomly power itself off and make a coaster out of the burning media.... and if I am making a "lightscribe" disc.... that is one fucking expensive mistake.


Anyway.... poor svetty... she needs a bath, and needs to be cleaned inside too.... I haven't had the time to take care of her. Poor girl's screamin' at me for a new clutch, an oil change and a good hard inspection of the ignition system (O2 sensor is probably on its way out).... but hey, right now I can get by... not TOOO much longer, but I can make it for the time being.

With all the bills paid off, all I have to worry about is rent (and I gotta pay car insurance too...), and that's not a big deal.

Stage 1 racing clutch... here I come!
I'll keep ya posted on the progression of that....

Drifting....

So yeah, this has only a little bit to actually do with the title.... I watched Tokyo Drift, well worth a rental, a kind of "typical" fast and the furious lack of Juicy plot... but the juicy women made up for it :-P. That's what kind of inspired the last post.

Anyway... to the reason I call this drifting...

It has been a while since I hit rock bottom, I'm not there yet, but I am certainly close. I hate it when I get like this... and I think the people around me do too... at least the ones that care enough to tell or say something. These are the days when I think about what would happen if I let go of the steering wheel, and just kinda, went with the flow.... now, I may be slightly out of my tree... but I am not suicidal... everyone at one time or another has suicidal thoughts and thats normal... what is not normal, is when you act on them.... and that ladies and gentlemen, is something I would never do.

So there have been a lot of things on my mind as of late...
- Moving (if yes or no)
- Making sure that I have enough money to take care of things around the house.
- Making sure all the bills get paid that are in my name... and everyone in the house gets paid for what I owe them.
- Trying to ensure that I have the proper funds to get svetty her new clutch... (may not happen)
- Trying to deal with my own bipolar self
... ya know, that kind of shit.

But I have been thinking a lot lately as well... you see I am good at multitasking... very good. This you will understand a little better shortly.

So anyway, that's most of the "front-burner" kind of shit summed up nicely... now for the more "back-burner, I don't tell people about this shit" shall we?

There are a few things in specific that I have been thinking about, and have been sitting on the back burner... but the one that bothers me the most... is me thinking about past relationships (IE: Girlfriends). And yes, plural. I have been rather lonely as of late... but that's really something that I chose to have. Honestly, I need to think about myself for a while anyway. But past girlfriends have been creeping into my thoughts, partially because I am lonely, and I understand that, but there are other things.... like I have unfinished business or something. Which I don't. I said what I said... to all of them. But still I sit here, 04:56 (almost 5 am to you 12hr people), unable to sleep... If I had something more to say to them, I would. Not like it would matter anyway, its all moot now, it means nothing, and even if I had something to say, that wasn't relevant to the relationship... it still wouldn't matter, hell, I'd be lucky to get any kind of response. Let alone something that would be satisfying enough to shut my brain up. There has been a-many-a-night that I have wanted to just fucking cry myself asleep... hoping that it would help... problem with that: A: people can hear me B: can never seem to produce the tears

That's the big one on the back burner... and there are several more, but we'll leave the rest unattended for now... IE: your not getting the whole story, but leave it the fuck alone.

I had another "episode" yesterday, about this time.... and yes, episode needs to be in quotes because I am referring to it in a way that it may not be intended. An "episode" to me is what basically I nick-named "treeing" (that's so spell check doesn't go too ballistic). "Treeing" I will define for you, its complicated, but just follow the steps, they are in chronological order. This normally happens when I have been thinking a lot about one specific subject... could be anything, and I do mean anything. Keep in mind, that when this is happening to me, I am not really aware of my surroundings, unless something touches me, and I am not really conscious of time until I come out of this... so I really don't know how long i can be "treeing" but it happened once for about 15 hours... I was in NYC on a park bench...

1. Take said subject matter, and go back as far as you can remember of it personally. (EXAMPLE: A friend you knew in kindergarten... the day you met)
2. Now, find every instance of you making a decision with them, or involving them directly or indirectly. (EXAMPLE: you go out to have lunch with your new friend or by yourself) This part normally takes the human brain a while... this is where being good at multi-tasking comes into play.
   
3. Now that you have found EVERY decision you have ever made with your friend, go through, one-by-one and make the opposite or another choice in the given situation, until said choice has exhausted itself. (EXAMPLE: you chose to have lunch with your new friend... good, what would have happened if you didn't, probably wouldn't have been as good of friends... maybe the next day you go out with him... oh wait.. he was sick that day.... are you starting to understand?)

Now, normally, changing the earliest decisions makes the most dramatic impact... but the further up you go on the "tree" the more accurate you can potentially get, with the least amount of known "interference". Meaning, that basically, the more recent you get with this decision altering... the more accurately you could potentially predict the outcome because the things that affect each decision are smaller and easier to think around..... hard to explain... but hey, I know I'm fucking crazy... sorry... it happens.

Luckily, I wasn't "treeing" for more than 20 minutes last night... I was tired, and I also was standing... well, leaning, not that I think the subject would have lasted that long anyway... but ya never know sometimes.

well I'll leave ya to wrap your head around that shit for a while... come back to me when you think you understand what I deal with mentally on a daily fucking basis. (and no, that is not meant to sound condescending... I just hate those people that say "I know exactly what you mean" and you just KNOW they have no idea. )

Talk at ya again soon....
Maybe I can drift off to sleep now.

Saab suite

Ballet in 3 acts for SAAB 9000 Turbos. Special appearance SAAB 9000 cabriolet Keep in mind, that all of these cars are stock. NO SPECIAL PARTS! :-P