Drifting....

So yeah, this has only a little bit to actually do with the title.... I watched Tokyo Drift, well worth a rental, a kind of "typical" fast and the furious lack of Juicy plot... but the juicy women made up for it :-P. That's what kind of inspired the last post.

Anyway... to the reason I call this drifting...

It has been a while since I hit rock bottom, I'm not there yet, but I am certainly close. I hate it when I get like this... and I think the people around me do too... at least the ones that care enough to tell or say something. These are the days when I think about what would happen if I let go of the steering wheel, and just kinda, went with the flow.... now, I may be slightly out of my tree... but I am not suicidal... everyone at one time or another has suicidal thoughts and thats normal... what is not normal, is when you act on them.... and that ladies and gentlemen, is something I would never do.

So there have been a lot of things on my mind as of late...
- Moving (if yes or no)
- Making sure that I have enough money to take care of things around the house.
- Making sure all the bills get paid that are in my name... and everyone in the house gets paid for what I owe them.
- Trying to ensure that I have the proper funds to get svetty her new clutch... (may not happen)
- Trying to deal with my own bipolar self
... ya know, that kind of shit.

But I have been thinking a lot lately as well... you see I am good at multitasking... very good. This you will understand a little better shortly.

So anyway, that's most of the "front-burner" kind of shit summed up nicely... now for the more "back-burner, I don't tell people about this shit" shall we?

There are a few things in specific that I have been thinking about, and have been sitting on the back burner... but the one that bothers me the most... is me thinking about past relationships (IE: Girlfriends). And yes, plural. I have been rather lonely as of late... but that's really something that I chose to have. Honestly, I need to think about myself for a while anyway. But past girlfriends have been creeping into my thoughts, partially because I am lonely, and I understand that, but there are other things.... like I have unfinished business or something. Which I don't. I said what I said... to all of them. But still I sit here, 04:56 (almost 5 am to you 12hr people), unable to sleep... If I had something more to say to them, I would. Not like it would matter anyway, its all moot now, it means nothing, and even if I had something to say, that wasn't relevant to the relationship... it still wouldn't matter, hell, I'd be lucky to get any kind of response. Let alone something that would be satisfying enough to shut my brain up. There has been a-many-a-night that I have wanted to just fucking cry myself asleep... hoping that it would help... problem with that: A: people can hear me B: can never seem to produce the tears

That's the big one on the back burner... and there are several more, but we'll leave the rest unattended for now... IE: your not getting the whole story, but leave it the fuck alone.

I had another "episode" yesterday, about this time.... and yes, episode needs to be in quotes because I am referring to it in a way that it may not be intended. An "episode" to me is what basically I nick-named "treeing" (that's so spell check doesn't go too ballistic). "Treeing" I will define for you, its complicated, but just follow the steps, they are in chronological order. This normally happens when I have been thinking a lot about one specific subject... could be anything, and I do mean anything. Keep in mind, that when this is happening to me, I am not really aware of my surroundings, unless something touches me, and I am not really conscious of time until I come out of this... so I really don't know how long i can be "treeing" but it happened once for about 15 hours... I was in NYC on a park bench...

1. Take said subject matter, and go back as far as you can remember of it personally. (EXAMPLE: A friend you knew in kindergarten... the day you met)
2. Now, find every instance of you making a decision with them, or involving them directly or indirectly. (EXAMPLE: you go out to have lunch with your new friend or by yourself) This part normally takes the human brain a while... this is where being good at multi-tasking comes into play.
   
3. Now that you have found EVERY decision you have ever made with your friend, go through, one-by-one and make the opposite or another choice in the given situation, until said choice has exhausted itself. (EXAMPLE: you chose to have lunch with your new friend... good, what would have happened if you didn't, probably wouldn't have been as good of friends... maybe the next day you go out with him... oh wait.. he was sick that day.... are you starting to understand?)

Now, normally, changing the earliest decisions makes the most dramatic impact... but the further up you go on the "tree" the more accurate you can potentially get, with the least amount of known "interference". Meaning, that basically, the more recent you get with this decision altering... the more accurately you could potentially predict the outcome because the things that affect each decision are smaller and easier to think around..... hard to explain... but hey, I know I'm fucking crazy... sorry... it happens.

Luckily, I wasn't "treeing" for more than 20 minutes last night... I was tired, and I also was standing... well, leaning, not that I think the subject would have lasted that long anyway... but ya never know sometimes.

well I'll leave ya to wrap your head around that shit for a while... come back to me when you think you understand what I deal with mentally on a daily fucking basis. (and no, that is not meant to sound condescending... I just hate those people that say "I know exactly what you mean" and you just KNOW they have no idea. )

Talk at ya again soon....
Maybe I can drift off to sleep now.

Saab suite

Ballet in 3 acts for SAAB 9000 Turbos. Special appearance SAAB 9000 cabriolet Keep in mind, that all of these cars are stock. NO SPECIAL PARTS! :-P

I need to cry....

so yeah, as the title of this says, I need to cry, but the problem is, I can't seem to. Its not a problem with me being to "manly", I couldn't give a shit less about that. Its not about leaving my friends here, I will be in touch, one way or another... probably see them around the fourth of July (when mike, mar, and whomever else and I go up to the white mountains), I do intend on keeping that tradition... I love it up there and I love being with my friends.

It is a matter of how frustrated things are making me right now. There are too many variables, and I don't know how to fucking solve for X.... its not even a matter of actually getting there, I don't even know where to begin. I know I really need to make the decision, either stay here or go home, but there are complications:

- Am I going to be able to afford the move (depends on what I need to rent to get back home)?
- Once I get home... If I go home, where am I going to stay?... Right now, my mom told me I can move back in, but I have to find an apartment soon (I don't want to be a burden).
- I have a good friend that is starting a business, and wants me as an on-site technician... but that is pending on him getting a house to start this business in (and to live in), so I have to either stay @ Radioshack in SYR somewhere, or find a computer store or something to work at whist he takes care of business. (which I may stay at anyway just for the extra income).
- I would like to work @ SU (Syracuse University) and go to school at the same time.... it would be convenient... and I think I still get tuition for free (I'll have to check on that) because my stepfather Gary works there and has worked there for like almost 30 years now. If its not free... I still have to finish my school... without it, I'm just another loser, so I either go to SU or OCC.

- If I don't move back, I will have to find either another job to supplement or I may have to leave radioshack altogether, I don't really want to leave, so I may find something in the mean time... if I am going to leave RS, it would have to be a VERY nice job, that would justify it to me, and to Steve.
- Thinking of Steve, he offered me a place to live (for cheaper than I am currently paying...) if I want out of my current situation, which honestly would probably be a good idea. I love these guys and all, but sometimes its a bit much to deal with, and I know that I am not the best to deal with sometimes either, probably around times like now because of how pissy I can be when I get frustrated.... I don't know.

:: smashes head into keyboard ::
I just wish this was a little easier.... less options, less shit going on... and more money :-P that would make it a little bit of an easier decision.

I have to do what makes me happy, but I know that initially, I will be happy to move back to SYR, but its the karma city, and I will want out again, I would be relatively happy to stay here, but there would have to be some change.... either way, I am going to have to start making a fair amount of money, not because it makes you happy, but because I have a lot of shit WAY overdue that I need to start paying on, and I need to stop dragging the house down. I would love to be able to work from home, and go to school, that would be awesome, and it would make things a lot easier... but I am not looking for a "get rich quick" scheme. I want to be technical support or something like that.

..... I'm gonna stop now.... I need to take a shower and have a butt... and get ready for work
I may edit this later, but I want to post it now.

Current Events & Happinings...

So yeah... tis time for another update to the world....

Okay, starting off with random cool stuff:

Went to an event called "Market Place at Birka" with 2 good friends... and I didn't feel like a 3rd wheel... its kinda like a renaissance fair, only its not a fair, its a marketplace, and its inside (lucky for me, I was wearing a Kilt!). Yes, I was wearing a kilt... and yes, it was in the "Traditional Fashion", and Yes, that fact was checked... by a few people... one of which by the name of Kieth... who is black as night, and as gay as a rainbow... he has very soft hands... ANYWAY... it was a blast, and NO, I'm not gay! :-) (though I bet Kieth wishes I was.... at least at times)

Things have been SLOWLY improving lately... as far at least with the monetary flow... still not as good as Christmas time... but yeah it never is in retail. Though still poor... due to the amount of heating oil this house consumes... at least my head is slightly above the water.

I also most recently found out that my paternal grandfather is out of the hospital... YAY! He went in a little before Christmas I guess.... for a few things, but hey, he's out now and home with my grandmother (thank goodness... she was probably a wreck). I just hope I can get home soon to see him...

Okay, well that's it for the good/cool stuff....

And now to play off to the digital doctor that seems to be this blog (*and I apologize to people that read this shit sometimes.... but hey, it gets all this crap off my chest*)...

So yeah, I am really up in the air on where I want to be after my lease is up in April...

HONESTLY I wouldn't mind staying here.... but I really want to be back in SYR (Syracuse, NY). I have friends both here and there, but there is really nothing holding me here anymore, I still have my job here (which no matter how much I get frustrated with it, I still like it), but that's about it. My family kinda needs me... or at least needs me close for a while. They didn't tell me this, I just can feel it. I haven't seen anyone in over a year and a half for more than a few hours when I went back to get my car inspected in Sept. . Barely any of my friends have bothered to call me.... even though my cell phone number has stayed the same for the past 2 and a half years. And I REALLY miss everyone.

I could stay here and possibly find either another job that's part time, or.... more sadly, leave Steve, RadioShack and 1017 behind and do something a little different possibly.... I don't know anymore... there is no simple answer, and there is no one that can make or even help make that decision....

If I move back to SYR, I have my parents and my friends, I have a place to live.... no job thus far, but I do have people looking for me....

If I stay here, I have my friends, I have a place to live, and a decent job....

:: long pause ::

I really don't want to leave here without my friends, but I have my old friends waiting... I have my family waiting... ::shrugs::


I just don't fucking know anymore...

An offer I couldn't refuse...

So yes, I was made an offer.... an offer I couldn't refuse.... so I didn't. (refuse!)

As a radioshack associate, we were offered a price break on 2 different Sirius satellite radio receivers (for a VERY limited time... like 3 weeks) ... the Sportster4 Receiver for $90 (normally $149.99 retail), and the Stiletto100 Portable receiver for $150 (normally $349.99 retail). Yeah, I got the Stiletto :-P.

So I get the car kit, the DAY I order this thing (I have to have it shipped to me) just so I can get it installed, and take my time with it and not do a sloppy job with the installation. So with a little help from my good friend Raven, we get this thing installed... and damn, it just looks GOOD... no wires... anywhere! I am still psyched about that :-). So about 5 days ago, I get this thing, and since then... oh yes, TONS of awesome programming :-), I have 30 presets... and most of them are already filled.

So I'm thoroughly enjoying my radio about 2 days ago... Area 33 is one of my favorites (bad ass trance-y techno-y shit :-) ), and I hear a great beat... so I turn it up a little bit, and low and behold it just starts sounding like shit. NOW... I know all of my speakers have been blown (2 were before I owned the car) but this was just the last straw for me....

SO, I go to walmart last night, go pick out some half-way decent replacement speakers (I figure almost ANYTHING will sound better at this point). I find out shortly after opening the packaging, that the ones I picked out are low-line Rocksford Fosgate speakers (which if you don't know, they make some pretty excellent speakers!)... SHHAAWEEET.... so after a slight size mishap... I went back to walmart, got the right size, and finished the install in their parking lot... and drove home, literally in tears... my system sounds about 100x better and well, I'm an audiophile... you do the math....

so yeah, got a new haircut, a new radio, new speakers.... I'm doin pretty goddamn decent!
feelin good
TAYS... (Talk At Ya Soon!)

News... not exactly good news, but news nonetheless

Yeah, so I just wanted to keep all of my intrigued readers (Yeah right!) up-to-date with more "unlucky events"....

1. Laura and I broke up... there really isn't much to explain, and what I could explain, I don't want to post here, its not appropriate nor does EVERYONE I know, need to know the details. (most probably wont care anyway)

2. Work sucks... the only benefit is that we just were able to hire another person on.... PT, but whatever, its another body on the floor... and she's pretty intelligent, which in electronics retail, is nice. HOWEVER, we are still going to be loosing a FT associate on Jan 14th for school... so we need more people.

3. Okay, so something good.... ::thinks really hard:: I still have friends and family (even though I really haven't seen them in over a year, not counting the one day that I registered my car).... ::Thinks so hard he has smoke coming from his ears:: Svetty has been running well... though I do say, I still haven't re-paid my mechanic yet, as things around here have only gotten more interesting..... yeah, now my head hurts.... I'm not going to think anymore


okay, so yeah... that's it for now... onward to some music or something

Maybe every now and then, a simple answer is needed.

Yeah, I'm a guy,
Yeah, I tend to say stupid shit every now and again,
Yeah, maybe some shit really did mess me up a while back....

But ya know what, maybe I need a simple-strait answer every now and then... I can't read minds, and I don't know what offends people all the time...

Sometimes I may not choose to listen to the simple answer, but at least I do know it exists... and I know what it is. Sometimes I need to learn things the hard way.... even if the answer is staring me in the goddamn face.

But I can't learn unless I find out the answer, or unless the answer is given to me... (See: "I can't read minds")

And yes, I realize I am stubborn... like an Ox. Yes, I know I am bi-polar... like the north and south of a magnet (sometimes). And yes, I know I can be "Hard to handle" sometimes, but maybe a mutual understanding is necessary, and by this I mean, I am told the answer because I can't read minds, and in return, I try my hardest to make life easier.

If I need my space... I need my space, I don't want to piss anyone off.... and nothing is pissing me off that anyone can do anything about.... I'm bi-polar, it just happends sometimes.

If I need to be around people.... try not to shut me away.... I may not talk to much, but I do enjoy the company of others.

If I just want to hang out.... well, that's easy, I just want to hang out

If I feel the need to be in front of my computer for a while... remind me every now and then, that other things may need attention, and may be important.... (this one I know can be difficult, but I think I will understand in the long run)

AND PLEASE... if something I do pisses anyone off... sometimes you have to tell me these things... right away, after all, I can't read minds, and sometimes faces don't make it any easier.

Oh, and let me clear one thing up before I finish, and go back to bed.... Yes, this was inspired by someone.... However, THIS IS UNIVERSALLY TRUE, and is not DIRECTED at anyone. I am a little more mature than that, and sometimes I just need to get shit out. This goes for just about EVERY person I run into on a daily basis, most just don't have to deal with me all that long. :-P