Okay, right now I am sitting at IHOP, but I am writing this without a connection to the web… thanks to basic typing programs.
So in less than a week, I leave for NYC, I am excited, worried, depressed, and happy all at once. It’s a really weird feeling that most of us call nervous. Nervous is something different in my head.
Nervous implies some kind of mental unrest, as in I have some kind of mental block against going or maybe I don’t know how anything is going to work out and I am going down there on a dime and a shoe string… I’ve played that game once, and honestly, I fought the good fight, and I came back to Syracuse because I ran out of money.
I love it in NYC, it’s a great city. There are plenty of good opportunities, there is a lot going on- pretty much any time you want. I have a few friends that still live there, that I have been trying to visit for the past 7 years, but never got to it… now I have the chance and plenty of time to chill.
The semi-shitty thing about this “move” is that I am going to be away from my G/F (that’s girlfriend for the non-savvy). Now… I have done this before, long-distance relationships are pretty hard, in-fact her and I have done this before, so I know exactly what I am getting into, so therefore I expect her to as well… but for some reason I really don’t see much difference between before when we did this and now, but on the other hand, I am not her.
I say semi-shitty because I don’t look at being away from someone you love as horrible, granted, it’s not great, but it’s not the worst thing you could do either. I trust her, so that’s not a problem. I’m pretty sure she trusts me, so I don’t think that’s the problem either. Either way, she is not very happy with my choice, or I know that she doesn’t like the idea because she really didn’t have much play in the situation, but she also knows that the financial bullshit is just adding up too fast for me or her to pull us out of it.
I guess I feel really guilty putting her through this again, but I honestly don’t feel that it is as big of a problem as she does. I sound like an asshole when I put that on paper… wow. I’m not heartless; I think I just deal with the situation differently.
It’s like when my grandfather passed away last year: I was calm and collected, until my cousin Josh read the eulogy, but I held it together fairly well, yeah, I sobbed quietly, and yeah, it was obvious, but I wasn’t a ball of tears in the middle of the ceremony. The only other time that I lost it was when his coffin was lowered into the ground. I had to walk away from the whole funeral party and stare out onto the lake and cry by myself. During that whole month after, I just wanted to push people away, and after a while, I healed, and everything was back to normal. I don’t deal with things the way people expect. I never have, even when I was a small child.
Long-distance relationships are about the same, yeah, I miss the person, but I don’t pine for them, my chest doesn’t hurt with loneliness, I’m just happy to see them when I can, and I try to make the best out of every moment we have together. Saying goodbye sucks a bit, but that’s how life and love are. You just gotta take the good times with the bad.
I will see her every other week; we have to be back up here in Syracuse so Eric can see his child. It’s on average better than what she and I had before. When she lived in CT, and I was here 2 summers back, I saw here anywhere between every 2 to 3 weeks. Unless something goes horribly wrong… this should be it, not too bad if you ask me. This is really the only thing that is even somewhat stressing me out right now. I know where we (Eric and I) will be, the apartment is in a nice area, 105th and Riverside Drive. I’m not going to give my exact address, but it’s close to there. For a little while I will be sleeping on an air mattress, but I will get a futon within a few weeks, maybe a desk or something, who knows. Little things like that don’t bother me that much, I know exactly what to expect when I get there, I used to live there… no big deal. The first couple months are set for rent and shit. And for a little while, all I gotta worry about is getting a little bit of food in me, havin’ smokes (which I have a solution for… more on this shortly), and some cash in my pocket (not a lot, because I will be sending most back up here).
Okay, so as everyone knows that actually reads this blog… (the few, the proud, my readers!) I smoke, and I have for years… I’m 27 now, I started smoking when I was 16… 11 years now… wow, anyway—I found a really cool “alternative”, actually Raven (my G/F) found it. I had only really briefly heard about the concept, and I tried something like it a while ago… the electronic cigarette. Anyway, what I tried, was not quite electronic, it was just… different, and I think somehow “better” for you, they don’t sell them anymore I don’t think, but basically they just had a heating element in them, and only ashed ¼ of an inch off the end of the cigarette, I don’t remember what they were called, but they tasted really funny… anyway, what Raven found is indeed a true electronic cigarette. I am stating now that this is in no manner a commercial; you can go to their site yourself. The company is called “Blu” (www.blucigs.com), I looked a little into it, and it seems that it is a pretty dirt cheap alternative that also seems that it is better for you as well. There is a chance of nicotine poisoning, but that is because people don’t know when to stop smoking the thing… it blinks 10 times or something like that to let you know you are over using it. For the rate that I smoke (which is about 1/3 of a pack per day) this works out really well, I will probably get a month out of a “carton”, maybe less, because I can “smoke” more, and who knows if I will or not. There are other companies out there, like smokeeverywhere (or something along those lines) but I like the blu company better because they don’t really make any solid CLAIMS about health benefits or other shit, and they have their “pack” that charges the batteries… the reason I bother to mention this, is that I know that I have a few random readers from time to time, and I really would like to know a little more about this before I spend 60 bucks on the starter kit, and I also want to tell the few random readers that there is something else other than “traditional” cigarettes, and hell, if it saves ya a couple bucks… good for you, and who knows, this indeed could be healthier. SO… random and non-random readers… PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT if you have tried this product or not, or send me an email or something… I really do want to know, good things and bad things.
I probably will be spending the money anyway, primarily because cigs in NYC are like 9-10 bucks a pack, and frankly even though my job will be paying me more, I don’t want to be spending the difference on smokes! You will have a little bit of time to respond, because I will be taking a few packs with me, and probably will be ordering them within the first few weeks, so please, if you have some experience with BLU, let me know ASAP.
So I really can’t explain my emotions right now, I’m giddy about going back to some old stomping grounds, but I feel like I’m being a prick to not only my G/F but some family members, I’ll be back every other weekend, so it’s not too bad… and time away from Syracuse is never a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but sometimes old memories really need to stay OLD memories… nothing bad, I just don’t like constantly re-living the past. I come to IHOP because it’s a long standing tradition, but sometimes I just get caught up in things, and how they used to be…
I also think some time separated from almost everyone won’t be a bad thing. Being alone, helps me get collected, mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically.
Well, I think that’s gonna be it from me for now. I’ll post this at my earliest convenience.
See ya later!
